You might think that selling a luxurious two-bedroom, three-bathroom flat in Bristol's seemingly always booming property market wouldn't be that difficult. But leaving nothing to chance, an £800,000 apartment in secluded Coombe Dingle has just gone on the market accompanied by an elaborate and intricately-detailed 5,000-word sales pitch on Rightmove to try and tempt potential buyers.
The opening statement indicates what is to come, letting house hunters know that the property has been "Hyper-personalised for unique and special individuals who appreciate creative celebration, God, culture oneness and uniqueness." Written by the owner and accompanied by 124 photos, the eccentric listing leaves readers with little idea of the flat's layout or what it actually looks like but does give a glimpse into its lofty origin story.
According to the description, the house was "conceived" 10 years ago, "almost to this very moment in time, and it is probably only now ready to be fully appreciated by society today, as to what it is all about." The home is summed up as "A pulchritudinous, grandiose detailed property" with "surprising modern eco credentials", including "14-layer foil insulation, the same technology as the NASA space suits."
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Known as The Belmont Property, this “Penthouse Maisonette” was constructed between 2013 – 2018, with 158sqm of living space "wrapped around and over" two walls from a pre-existing art-deco house while also being built around a 250-year-old preserved English oak tree. Its accommodation is flexible, with four potential layouts documented at length, and includes a glass bridge in the drawing room to celebrate "both Bristol and the engineering achievements of Isambard Kingdom Brunel."
The listing is being shared on Twitter, with one user commending it as "easily the most bonkers Rightmove description you will ever read". Another tweeted Grand Designs inviting presenter Kevin McCloud to check it out
According to the listing, the inspiration for the design and architecture came from many different sources, including "God, love, travel, adventure, engineering, manufacturing, creative expression and craftsmanship," taking cultural reference points from a range of styles described variously as "Colonial Caribbean, European, Chinese and Asian with strong period influences of Art Nouveau and Art Deco."
Painted throughout in green - Pantone 16-0237 Foliage to be precise - the listing extolls the virtues of the shade as one of Farrow & Ball's 2022 colours of the year, explaining that "Green, in particular, is often associated with healing, tranquillity, hope, stability, optimism, and harmony—so it’s unsurprising that the demand for the calming shade has soared in the wake of one of the most tumultuous years in history 2020/2021, clearly with more to come."
If housebuyers need a break from green, they need only head to one of two en-suite bathrooms fitted out entirely in either white jade crystal or black polished granite built in tribute to 17th century Mughal emperor Shah Jahan who built the famously alabaster-hued Taj Mahal in honour of his wife, and planned a black version opposite that was never made. The listing's author explains, "I like to think someone, somewhere, appreciated his ideology and dream, and so it is that the black en-suite has been built and completed to complement and balance the white one. "
The stone used in the white jade en-suite with two-person shower/steam cubical can help people "connect to higher vibrational energies that assist in health, love and business" with a wall design that is "symbolic to the power of being yourself and extrovert in all that you do."
Meanwhile, the black granite stone en-suite is identically equipped but opposite in design. The listing describes the significance of the material, saying, "Aboriginal tribes consider granite to be a 'stone of protection' with sacred and magical qualities. Granite enables one to see the difference between the ideas of beliefs and the state of 'knowing.'"
Much is made of the skills of those who were involved in building it, with the listing even going so far as to document the day rate of one of the carpenters that worked on the project, stating," Labour costs for a Master Craftsmen - German trained Joiner was £140 per day, that same craftsman is today £500 per day."
It continues: "You see in this property years of his meticulous and Zen work. Tens of thousands of hours it has taken to make and build this most unique and exquisite property. We lost our way for respecting true genius craftspeople in trades like they once were in a period of a respected guild. This property is a testament to human genius creativity and a celebration to the incredible natural materials of divine mother earth, it is beyond comparable. "
It seems no detail has been left to chance nor left off Rightmove. All nine of the doors in the property are custom-made from Teak, each bearing a pair of carved cranes which we are told are venerated in Chinese culture, "as the prince of all feathered creatures... embodying longevity and peace, it is the second most favoured bird symbol after the phoenix.
"Because of its ability to fly high and over long distances, its wings were used as an amulet for protection against exhaustion. More romantically, the crane represents long-lasting love and loyalty in marriage, as the bird is monogamous and stays with one partner until death."
In case potential buyers remain unconvinced about the investment potential of the flat, the listing points out that it has a 10 out of 10 rating on booking.com based on seven reviews, where it commands £580 per night and has apparently played host to "Celebrity musicians, actors/actresses, sportsmen and women, artists, surgeons, bankers/hedge fund managers, and even successful transformed former criminals" who have all "unanimously declared it’s the best they’ve seen/stayed in and have all left feeling 'inspired'". One Booking.com review even declares, "Each bathroom is a place where you can spend the whole day."
Offered by Strike, the property is on the market for offers in the region of £800,000 for a share of freehold.
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