A parenting expert has shared six signs to look out for that show your child has 'high emotional intelligence' which is vital for happiness and success, and if they don't, how you can help them develop the skill.
As a parent, you worry about child development right from pregnancy through birth – it doesn't stop even when they're in their teens (and that's normal, FYI). But now in addition to learning how to help your child use their voice, there are some ways you can teach your child emotional intelligence if they're not already showing signs.
Reem Raouda is a certified conscious parenting coach and founder of The Connected Discipline Method, a coaching programme for parents of strong-willed children and she's highlighted the six ways in which kids show they have high emotional intelligence – which is a key predictor for happiness and success.
High emotional intelligence is the ability to identify one's emotions and also understand the emotions of others. In addition to happiness and success, it helps you to build relationships, reduce stress, diffuse conflict and improve satisfaction.
And if your child doesn't have all the signs, fear not, for Reem has some tips for how you can easily teach them the skills.
Is your child emotionally intelligent? Here are 6 signs
1. Recognising non-verbal clues
A child who is good at picking up on other's feelings by watching their body language and facial expressions are very emotionally intelligent. A child might display this by telling you, "Mum, my friend Sarah was really quiet today. I asked if she wanted to play, and she said 'no'. I think she was sad about something,” Reem explained.
Strengthen this skill by: Chatting to your child about their day and what emotions they witnessed in the people they played with. This will help them identify and strengthen their ability to read emotions, and will make them more confident when understanding others.
Ask your child: "What kids of a mood do you think your best friend was in today?".
2. Showing empathy and compassion
Building on identifying different emotions might look like the ability to show real concern towards them and offer help. A child can show this by telling their 'losing' friend during a playdate, "You played really well! Do you want to play something else together?”, Reem suggested.
Strengthen this skill by: Showing your child that you have empathy for others too.
Say to your child: "I'm worried about [elderly neighbour]. Let's check on her and see if she needs any help with anything."
3. They can name their emotions
A child who can talk openly about emotions and apply them to everyday scenarios is someone who is emotionally intelligent. They might say “I feel frustrated because I can’t solve this puzzle,” or “I’m happy because I helped my friend fix her toy,”. Here, Reem says they are "recognising and communicating their emotions".
Strengthen this skill by: Practicing labelling your emotions so that they come naturally – saying phrases like, 'I'm disappointed I can't find my keys', 'I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the work I have to do', or 'I'm worried that we're going to be late to the cinema'.
4. They are adaptable
A child who can adapt well to change without throwing a tantrum has emotional maturity. For instance, if an outdoor picnic is cancelled, they are happy to have an indoor picnic instead.
Strengthen this skill by: Being flexible and calm as a parent and your children will pick up on this and start copying it.
What to ask your child: "What can we do instead?" – helping them to problem solve.
5. They are good listeners
A child who is a good listener will be able to pick up on subtle cues of feelings conveyed through words that others might miss, especially if they ask questions and show curiosity.
Strengthen this skill by: Giving your child your full attention when they are telling a story. Stop what you're doing, make eye contact and get down to their level if you're not already. "Reflect and repeat back what they are saying to show them you're really listening," Reem added.
6. They can self-regulate
If your child can handle big feelings, stay calm and make smart choices, then it's a strong sign that they're emotionally intelligent. They keep cool and carry on, even after disappointment. Reem explained, "Picture your child playing a game with friends and losing a round. Instead of reacting out of frustration, a kid who is good at self-regulation might take a moment to catch their breath, and then jump back in with a positive mindset."
Strengthen this skill by: Resisting your own tantrums and implementing a 'pause and breathe' technique where you teach your child to take a deep breath and count to 10 and let them see you do it as well. "When kids see us handle tough times with grace, it's a lesson they won't forget," Reem added.
In other family news, Struggle to get the kids out the door each morning? You're not alone – these expert-led tips might help everyone leave the house on time and Teen not taking your ‘unsolicited’ advice? Here’s how to make yourself heard (without being given the side eye)
What are the six signs that your child has high emotional intelligence, what are the benefits now and later in life, and what can you do to encourage the skills they already have?
As a parent, you worry about child development right from pregnancy through birth – it doesn't stop even when they're in their teens (and that's normal, FYI). But now in addition to learning how to help your child use their voice, there are some ways you can teach your child emotional intelligence if they're not already showing signs.
Reem Raouda is a certified conscious parenting coach and founder of The Connected Discipline Method, a coaching programme for parents of strong-willed children. She's shared six ways kids show they have high emotional intelligence – a key predictor for happiness and success. "A child who is good at picking up on other's feelings by watching their body language and facial expressions are very emotionally intelligent", says Reem.
High emotional intelligence is the ability to identify one's emotions and also understand the emotions of others. In addition to happiness and success, it helps you to build relationships, reduce stress, diffuse conflict and improve satisfaction.
And if your child doesn't have all the signs, fear not, for Reem has some tips for how you can easily teach them the skills.
6 signs your child has 'high emotional intelligence'
1. Recognising non-verbal clues
"A child who is good at picking up on other's feelings by watching their body language and facial expressions are very emotionally intelligent. A child might display this by telling you, "Mum, my friend Sarah was really quiet today. I asked if she wanted to play, and she said 'no'. I think she was sad about something,” Reem explained.
Strengthen this skill by: Chatting to your child about their day and what emotions they witnessed in the people they played with. This will help them identify and strengthen their ability to read emotions, and will make them more confident when understanding others.
Ask your child: "What kids of a mood do you think your best friend was in today?".
2. Showing empathy and compassion
Building on identifying different emotions might look like the ability to show real concern towards them and offer help. A child can show this by telling their 'losing' friend during a playdate, "You played really well! Do you want to play something else together?”, Reem suggested.
Strengthen this skill by: Showing your child that you have empathy for others too.
Say to your child: "I'm worried about [elderly neighbour]. Let's check on her and see if she needs any help with anything."
3. They can name their emotions
A child who can talk openly about emotions and apply them to everyday scenarios is someone who is emotionally intelligent. They might say “I feel frustrated because I can’t solve this puzzle,” or “I’m happy because I helped my friend fix her toy,”. Here, Reem says they are "recognising and communicating their emotions".
Strengthen this skill by: Practicing labelling your emotions so that they come naturally – saying phrases like, 'I'm disappointed I can't find my keys', 'I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the work I have to do', or 'I'm worried that we're going to be late to the cinema'.
4. They are adaptable
A child who can adapt well to change without throwing a tantrum has emotional maturity. For instance, if an outdoor picnic is cancelled, they are happy to have an indoor picnic instead.
Strengthen this skill by: Being flexible and calm as a parent and your children will pick up on this and start copying it.
What to ask your child: "What can we do instead?" – helping them to problem solve.
5. They are good listeners
A child who is a good listener will be able to pick up on subtle cues of feelings conveyed through words that others might miss, especially if they ask questions and show curiosity.
Strengthen this skill by: Giving your child your full attention when they are telling a story. Stop what you're doing, make eye contact and get down to their level if you're not already. "Reflect and repeat back what they are saying to show them you're really listening," Reem added.
6. They can self-regulate
If your child can handle big feelings, stay calm and make smart choices, then it's a strong sign that they're emotionally intelligent. They keep cool and carry on, even after disappointment. Reem explained, "Picture your child playing a game with friends and losing a round. Instead of reacting out of frustration, a kid who is good at self-regulation might take a moment to catch their breath, and then jump back in with a positive mindset."
Strengthen this skill by: Resisting your own tantrums and implementing a 'pause and breathe' technique where you teach your child to take a deep breath and count to 10 and let them see you do it as well. "When kids see us handle tough times with grace, it's a lesson they won't forget," Reem added.
What are the benefits to being emotionally intelligent?
Emotional intelligence is all about understanding and managing our own emotions, as well as recognising and responding to the emotions of others. Here are just some of the benefits to developing emotional intelligence in our children:
- Better self-awareness: Emotionally intelligent kids can identify their feelings more easily. This helps them understand themselves better and boosts their self-confidence.
- Improved relationships: According to this 2022 systematic review into developing emotional intelligence, children who recognise others' emotions become more empathetic and tend to react and communicate better, which helps them develop stronger friendships, family bonds and relationships.
- Stress management: Emotionally intelligent kids can handle life's stress and challenges better. They can calm themselves down and find positive ways to cope with tricky or challenging situations. A 2024 study found that people in professions such as psychology, nursing and social work tended to cope better with stress if they had higher emotional intelligence.
- Academic success: Emotional intelligence can help in school, too. Kids who can manage their emotions are often better at focusing, staying motivated, and working well in groups. A 2023 review of multiple studies, including thousands of students across the world, found that emotional intelligence could significantly impact academic performance, especially if it was valued in the child's school.
- Future career success: As they grow up, emotionally intelligent individuals tend to have better job satisfaction and make great team players. They're often seen as natural leaders in the workplace, so much so that Harvard Business School says it's one of the most sought-after interpersonal skills in the workplace.
- Healthier lifestyle choices: Understanding and managing emotions can lead to better decision-making when it comes to health and well-being.
- Greater overall happiness: Emotional intelligence contributes to a more positive outlook on life and higher life satisfaction. Studies, including this 2019 paper into the relationship between emotional intelligence and happiness, have found it to be a predictive factor for happiness and overall well-being.
How to help your child develop their emotional intelligence
Whether you think your child could benefit from developing emotional intelligence or you want to encourage the skills they already have, there are many ways to help them develop this important skill. Here are a few ideas backed up by experts and research:
- Use active listening: Neuroscientist Dr Huriye Atilgan says parents can help improve emotional intelligence by using active listening so their child's "emotions are acknowledged and validated." This can help your child "fully examine their own emotional state" as well as others' emotions. Active listening is a communication skill that requires you to be present and focused on what your child is saying without distraction.
- Role-playing scenarios: Using some of the examples above or playing a game where your child can guess the emotion you're acting out can help your child identify non-verbal cues that can show someone's emotional state. This can help them be more sensitive to those cues when interacting with friends.
- Read storybooks: Stories that heighten their emotions can help children identify and understand their own and other's emotions through the experiences of reading storybooks, according to multiple studies. According to the Housman Institute, which provides tools and tips on developing emotional intelligence, "Storybooks are a powerful visual tool that can help children safely explore different social and emotional experiences while learning important skills including emotional intelligence, self-awareness, empathy, and problem-solving."
- Reflection: The Housman Institute also recommends encouraging your child to reflect on what's making them feel a certain way. So, for example, instead of telling them to 'cheer up', ask why they think they might be feeling sad. This can also help them figure out the cause and effect between what happened and their behaviour or feelings, as well as problem-solving skills.
- Get them gardening! A study in South Korea found that engaging in gardening and other horticultural activities improved the emotional intelligence, social behaviour and academic ability of hundreds of children. Another 2021 study found that living walls full of plants in classrooms helped kids behave better and interact more nicely with each other.
- Talk about your own emotions: Being open and honest with your child in an age-appropriate way about your emotions, showing them how to self-regulate when you feel emotional, and reflecting on your own feelings can all model how emotional intelligence looks to your child. You can be their best example.
Books to encourage emotional intelligence. from toddlers to preschoolers
The Housman Institute has a series of recommended books by age which can help to develop emotional intelligence from an early age:
Infants and toddlers
- The Feelings Book by Todd Parr
- Up, Up, Up, Down by Kimberly Gee
- When I Am Cuando Estoy by Gladys Rosa-Mendoza
- Lots of Feelings by Shelley Rotner, et al.
- Grumpy Bird by Jeremy Tankard
For preschoolers
- Gilly and the Garden by Dr. Donna Housman
- The Way I Feel by Janan Cain
- Allie All Along by Sarah Lynne Reul
- B is for Breathe by Dr. Melissa Munro Boyd
- Thank you Omu By Oge Mora
- The Day the Crayons Quit by Drew Daywalt
- Stick and Stone by Beth Ferry, et al.
- The Pigeon Will Ride the Roller Coaster by Mo Willems
The main takeaway
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and those of others. It includes skills like being aware of your feelings, controlling your emotions, staying motivated and focused, empathising with others, and being good at social interactions. For children, having high emotional intelligence can mena they're better communicators, have stronger relationships, and improved problem-solving skills. It also helps them handle stress and navigate social situations better. In school, kids with higher EI tend to perform better academically and handle changes and challenges more easily.
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In other family news, Struggle to get the kids out the door each morning? You're not alone – these expert-led tips might help everyone leave the house on time and Teen not taking your ‘unsolicited’ advice? Here’s how to make yourself heard (without being given the side eye)
