Katy Milkman, PhD, is a professor at The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. She’s also the host of Charles Schwab’s popular behavioral economics podcast Choiceology and author of How to Change: The Science of Getting From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be.
The best-seller describes the little things you can do to make a big difference in your life.
"How did Google become the great[est] search engine? Because it has this very efficient algorithm. It takes the path of least resistance. It looks for a fast solution. And that's what we do too. We prefer to choose the easiest way to achieve any objective," Milkman said.
"Most goals fail. And if you aren't strategizing and making plans and setting goals and figuring out what could stand in your way and using the best science-based strategies, you're not giving yourself the best chance at success."
So, we decided to dig a little deeper and put together a list of psychological "hacks" that people have tested themselves and reviewed positively online.
#1
I used the "gray rock" method on my narcissist brother in law.
Basically, I made myself so dull and boring and the opposite of drama that he learned to avoid me at all costs. It worked like a charm, and only took 4-5 encounters to take effect.
Image credits: Sparkly_alpaca
#2
If you work with clients, prevent them from getting defensive and angry by not using the word "you".
It's not "you didn't send the attachment", it's "the attachment didn't send". Don't blame them, blame the thing you're talking about.
I take my time when I write emails to clients because I like to word things *just* right...one word can be the difference between a happy client and an unhappy one. The right words in the right order can influence people to make decisions you want them to make. Words are powerful.
Image credits: athaliah
#3
Best one for kids, and this works wonders for behavioral problems. You never say "don't do x." I had a terror child in daycare and people would yell at him for acting out. I would start each day by saying "You're going to be a good boy today!" And every time he acted out I would say "wait, you're my good boy right?" He would say yes and stop doing it. When his mom came to get him I made a point to of telling her how good he was. That child never acted out around me after a week.
Image credits: myBisL2
#4
In an argument speak softly. It forces active listening which leads to active thinking. When they are listening and thinking they are not yelling, arguing, or talking.
Image credits: anon
#5
You want someone you just met to like you? Ask them open-ended questions about themselves. Don't wait for your turn to speak. Listen, and then ask a follow-up question based on what they said. If you do that a couple of times, that person feels heard and appreciated by you. If they realize they're doing all the talking, they'll apologize and ask a question of you. If your answer is short and pivots back into something they said, you have now formed a connection in their mind as a good listener who is interested in what they have to say. People like that a lot.
Image credits: faceintheblue
#6
The concept of getting something for free completely derails a person's critical thinking skills.
My dad was tool distributor and drove a truck to various repair shops selling tools to mechanics.
He got an idea to start selling candy bars on his truck for one dollar. But you would get a free candy bar with every tool purchase.
Almost everyone who asked how much the candy bar was didn't want to pay a dollar for one, but they would buy a $100 socket set in order to get the candy bar for free.
Image credits: graveyardspin
#7
When you're walking through a crowded hallway, if you keep your eyes focused in the exact direction you're going, people will naturally clear out of your way because we sub-consciously use eye-contact with people in order to navigate around each other.
Image credits: anon
#8
Does this count...? They aren't cool, but pretty helpful.
I sometimes have anxiety brain where I start to panic about the future or the past or whatever. I've learned to stop myself, and tell myself: "Hey, wait, you need to finish your job. Your job is...xxx"
So, for instance, I'll be doing dishes, get lost in thought, and start to get upset and anxious. I'll then tell myself, "hey, you have to finish doing the dishes, that's your job right now." And then I'll take a deep breath, or multiple deep breaths.
It's just another way to center yourself and bring yourself back to the present, but it's helpful. Hard to do it at first, but I've gotten good at it.
Also, sometimes anxiety brain can lead to some heavy, self-loathing, probably false thoughts. I've more recently taught myself that when that happens to stop, take a breath, and say one nice thing about myself.
So when bad brain goes into: "What the f**k Tammy Tangerine, you're the worst, I can't believe you f****d up that insignificant thing", I'll try and stop myself and say something like, "f**k that, no, I am kind."
That's a harder trick for sure, but I'm getting better at it.
Image credits: Tammy_Tangerine
#9
If someone won't stop talking or let you get a word in, drop something (keys, pen). Reach down to pick them up and start talking. It's a way to interrupt without the other person realizing it.
Image credits: Itsme290
#10
If you have trouble motivating yourself to do something like learn a skill (instrument, language etc.) tell yourself "Ok, I'll sit down and do this for just five minutes"
A lot of the time you'll end up going for much longer than five minutes, but even if you don't it's still five minutes of practice in whatever the heck you wanted to learn in the first place.
Image credits: KioneRyn
#11
Have a toddler that is in a bad mood? Sit down with them, look them straight in the eye, and say "You're mad, so don't laugh." Just keep repeating it as seriously as you can.
I've done it for 15 different cousins over a couple of decades, and by the fifth repetition of "DON'T LAUGH" they are busting a gut and rolling on the floor.
Image credits: Nitrostoat
#12
If someone is talking or preoccupied, you can hold out your hand and they'll give you whatever they're holding. I did it to my sister with the car keys and made her think she lost them somewhere at the store.
Image credits: anon
#13
Giving students in my elementary class the illusion of choice. If you ask "do you want to start your work?" Or "isn't it time we got something done?" I modify it to-
"Would you like to do your assignment with a pencil or blue pen?" They are too consumed with this choice that they have forgotten that they didn't want to do it in the first place.
Also, every recess-
"Did you push jimmy?" "No."
"Ok umm two people saw you do it, and reported it to me. Are you sure you didn't?" "In sure."
Then change it to "can you tell me *why* you pushed him?"
"Well it's because..."
Gets'em every time.
Image credits: anon
#14
When someone asks me a question that I don't want to answer, I *always* say "Why do you ask?" It's my go-to.
Image credits: Abdul_Exhaust
#15
When playing rock, paper, scissors stop right before and ask "without looking, can you tell me what color your shirt is?" and people seem to always pick scissors after. I've done it to maybe 20 people and got the same result every time.
Image credits: Gr1pp717
#16
My favorite is silently maintaining eye contact when a person is attempted to bargain or convince you of something that you don't want to do, or don't believe.
They usually end up negotiating with themselves (which gives you a huge advantage because once that happens, it is pretty much game over).
Image credits: ShowMeYourTorts
#17
The Primacy Effect (you're more likely to remember the first item on a list) and the Recency Effect (you're more likely to remember the last item on a list).
If I'm listing groceries for my husband, I make the most important items into bookends. If I'm talking to the parent of one of my students about their kid's behaviour, I always list good, bad, good. They get the information about the bad, but what they remember about the conversation is how they felt good and saw that I care about their kid.
Image credits: cxaro
#18
I don't know if this fits but when a kid gets hurt a little and all the adults start freaking out the kids gonna f*****g cry. Tell the gullible little s**t "Oh, you're fine. You're not hurt." For little things, like a scraped knee, it's worked like a charm for me at keeping them happy. For serious injuries it can help them to keep calm. Nothing tells a kid that everything is wrong and they're gonna die like all the adults around them acting like it.
edit: Yeah, yeah, maybe I shouldn't tell a kid what to feel and maybe I shouldn't invalidate their feelings. Like I give a f**k, I'm not the bloody parent. I just hate the wailing of children and this is my **trick** to get them to stay relatively quiet. The question was "What are the coolest psychology **tricks** that you know or have used?" not "What parenting strategy should everyone try out?".
Image credits: Visser946
#19
When you're talking to someone who's being defensive and there is a pause in the conversation, let them fill it.
Anonymous: They'll incriminate themselves.
Image credits: Superfluous420
#20
The Flinch. Whether you're negotiating a raise, the sale price of a car you want to buy, who does what chores around the house, always flinch visibly at the first and sometimes second offers. The Flinch can be as simple as a small wince, a sigh, or an eyeroll. The Flinch quite often causes people to lowball the initial offer. I learned this from my was-husband and it freaking works. Got my current job at 10% over the max salary because I flinched.
Image credits: HyperComa
#21
I don't "give" de-worming medicines to my dog, I put them down on the floor and "take" them from him. I guard them, get between them and him, and tell him not to touch them.
He gulps them down before I can fake-take them from him.
Image credits: TheAwakened
#22
One of my friends was taking Psych 101 in college, and she referenced something called "confusing". The example was to use a word or phrase out of context as a means to diffuse a situation.
Our Boss (who was always kind of a jerk to her): WHY WERE YOU LATE TODAY?!?
My friend: Oh, my goodness! Traffic was so *armadillo!* I'm so very sorry!
Our Boss: Um, okay...don't let it happen again.
Image credits: monkeyeighty8
#23
I had a very strange encounter with a co-worker once. We were on a break, had chatted a bit, the usual mundane, "are you married, etc, do you have kids" and when I said no, she waited, staring at me, for me to continue. Boy did that ever work, the longer she stared the more I babbled, I couldn't stop talking. I'd finish a sentence, she kept staring and I'd start talking again and not because she was politely listening. She was compelling me to talk. I have no idea why she did that, if it was just her way or if she does that to learn things about people but it was the creepiest conversation I have ever had. I'm older now so that wouldn't work on me but it sure was effective at the time.
Image credits: Lifensht
#24
Many people (I would say most, maybe almost all) are surprisingly susceptible to flattery and being told what they want to hear. People tend to shy away from this strategy, thinking it will be too obvious and clumsy, but just try it. It's as if being flattered or hearing people agree with you gives people a rush of pleasurable hormones to the brain.
Image credits: zazzlekdazzle
#25
If someone says something to you but you don't hear it, then when you ask them to repeat it they say "Nevermind" and sulk, just say,
"Okay." in a totally disinterested manner and go back to whatever it was you were doing. Most of the time, they'll pout for a second, then say something like "What I was *GOING* to say was...".
Image credits: Huuballawick
#26
Before a coinflip say "heads i win, tails you lose". do it quick and they wont even notice.
Image credits: anon
#27
If you haven't slept well, tell your brain "I slept well". You will feel fresh. It works like miracle.
Want to defeat a narcissist who insults you? Don't react. Just ignore him completely in front of others. It will hurt his image and he will stop poking you.
Want to know if someone is attentive or not? Repeat your sentence with a slight change in it. If he is listening either his facial expression will change or he will point out and question the part.
Want to know a person is lying to fit in a group? Just watch his eyes when he talks, if his eyes seeks validation from others for what he said, then he is pretending. A liar /pretender always seeks validation for his talks to fit in the group.
Giving a presentation ? Always bring a bottle of water to the stage. When you can’t remember what to say, take a drink. Nobody will know the difference.
#28
If you want to calm someone down, sympathize with them whilst describing what's upsetting them in descending orders of magnitude.
I understand why you're angry
you're right to be frustrated
This would annoy me too.
As they accept the acknowledgements they want they should also accept the declining emphasis on emotion and become calmer.
Image credits: Lon-Abel-Kelly
#29
When something funny happens and people or a person in a group laughs, they will look at the person they like or care about in the group the most to see if they're laughing too. When you notice this it's quite easy to tell who likes who.
Image credits: TheFalseAlgebro
#30
Silence. I have found that saying nothing is often the most powerful tool of negotiation. I once sold a car with 350,000 miles on it for my asking price, because when the guy was walking around it and pointing out the flaws I never said a word. He talked and talked, and I never responded. Finally he talked himself right into buying the car. I would have gone down $1500 but he never demanded an answer out of me.
#31
People become what you call them. You treat someone like a monster, they become a monster.
To ensure that someone maintains a certain positive trait, compliment them for it beforehand. People are more likely to follow you if they have your approval, rather than trying to win it. You don't know far people will go when they already have something to lose (a good impression they have on you).
If you want someone to work hard for you, tell them how you admire their work ethic, or how they seem like diligent employees based on their portfolio/resume/recommendations. If you want someone to be nice to your friends, tell them they have a kind face (don't say this to a guy if you're a guy) or say that you heard a lot of good things about them.
Words are immensely powerful. This is also why I never call someone any bad names, even if they deserve it.
Image credits: ceruleus0
#32
If you nod while asking a question people are more likely to say yes. I particularly use this in the restaurant selling drinks. They ask for a beer, I say 'a tall one?' While nodding. About a thirty percent higher success rate than if I weren't nodding.
#33
I'm pretty sure this was a variation on a Derren Brown trick, but me and some friends once won a bunch of money from another friend by 'correctly guessing what card they were thinking of'. All we had to do was keep talking about the 'four clubs' we were planning to go to over the weekend. We were so shocked that it actually worked, and once we broke down and explain how we did it he was so impressed he was fine with losing the bet.
#34
To get someone to like you more, ask them to do a favor for you like let you borrow a pencil. Benjamin Franklin was a big proponent of this idea.
Image credits: TLaz3
#35
When you need someone to wait a moment as you hunt for something, or you're struggling, say "Thank you for your patience" instead of "sorry for the wait"
It subtly strokes their ego and makes them MORE likely to be kind and patient with you, because you've already asserted they're kind and patient people, and denying that would hurt their own self image.
Works with most people, but some are just raging a******s lol.
Image credits: daitoshi
#36
When I was in 6th grade we were playing Heads Up, 7 Up, and I was one of the 7 people who were going around selecting people. When we all went back up to the board the students who had been selected started guessing who had picked them. When the one I had selected was getting ready to guess I started waving my arms and saying "Oh, me, it was me, over here."
He just said "Well I know it's not rainbowdashtheawesom..." and ended up guessing someone else. When the person said no, he asked who it was.
I just shrugged and said "I told you."
It's funny because you learn in Kindergarten that the person who points to him/herself and says it was them is always lying, so I did a bit of reverse psychology to turn the tables.
#37
If I want my cat to jump up for cuddles I first have to act totally disinterested and like I don't care what he does. Works every time.
#38
I prepare income taxes in the US. If I know I have a client coming to see me who is going to be upset I will turn a nature sounds station on Pandora and play it softly in my office. My client may be irate when they enter my office, but they always simmer down quickly once they take a seat. I'll take a minute or two to look up something so they have to sit there and listen. By the time they leave they are always very happy and appreciative!
#39
1) Insomnia? Switch the direction of your head and your feet on your mattress. Suddenly, the stress associated with your insomniac perspective of the room, concern about the day ahead, and shame that you always fall asleep an hour before the alarm sounds TOTALLY DISAPPEARS. The light is on a different side. The troughs in the mattress are unfamiliar. The ceiling is different. You can sleep.
2) The "Clinton Thumb" is a nonverbal gesture that emphasizes meaning and sways an audience. Popularized by Bill Clinton in the 1990's, this mini-thumbs-up is a TAUGHT behavior that gives the subconscious both a thumbs-up and points an invisible gun. Whether interpreted as a carrot or a stick, you are meant to recognize power and believe in it.
3) Credibility, visualization, and repetition are amazing tools. Scientist and "memory hacker" Julia Shaw conducted research for her book, "The Memory Illusion" that showed how, when used in sequence, establishing credibility, encouraging visualization, and repeating new inputs are perfect ways of rewriting memories.
#40
If someone has the hiccups, act really nervous and inform them that you have to tell them something. Then say something like, "I've needed to tell you this for a while..." long pause "I'm just not sure how to say it...". Make this go on for a while. Make it really dramatic. After a few minutes, ask them if their hiccups are gone. This method will emotionally scare their hiccups away.
#41
Colour theory is interesting. Different colors affect you different psychologically.
Example: red makes you hungry
Now: notice how many restaurants have red logos.
#42
1. When you want to make someone favor you, try to subtly mimic their movements and posture in a conversation. It creates a false sense of familiarity if you can do it right, but you have to be careful not to get caught doing it on purpose.
2. In an argument avoid shouting or raising your voice. Yes, your opponent might not hear you and end up speaking over you, but if you continue arguing your point in a calm quieter manner, they'll have to stop and actually listen if they want to counter you without looking like a fool, thus they have to pay more attention to what you're saying. This means that not only will they become easier to persuade, but if there any spectators will note you as seeming more sure of yourself and are more likely to back your side as a result.
#43
When you're nervous, chew gum. It tells your mind "chill the f**k out man we got food!!" and the nerves subside a bit. Maybe that's more of a physiological trick than a psychological one but it's still cool.
#44
While in a conversation with somebody, stare directly at the top of their head, and they will wonder if there is something in their hair or not.
#45
Mimic people's facial expressions as they are talking to you and they start to like you because you're literally reflecting the same feeling back to them.
Also if you don't want to stop and chat but don't want to be rude, say hi really quick but do not stop walking. ESPECIALLY do not stop and wait for them to walk to you, game over.
If you're in a group and you want that person to stop talking, literally turn your body away from them and at someone else, even if you're still engaging them. They'll get to the point and stop. Sitting in a line (Like at a baseball game)? Turn your head 45° toward them to answer but do not turn your body. When they speak back, do not look at them, just listen through that ear.
EDIT: Getting a lot of lash for the last one. I guess I should qualify that it's not my favorite tactic, but it's reserved for "that guy". Now that I re-read it, its kinda b****y. Oops.
#46
I learned this from my primary school principal. When you're angry, raise your voice. When you're *really* angry, lower it.
#47
Ask someone “What is the word spelled J-O-K-E”, make sure they actually say the word. Following ask them “What do you call the white part of the egg?”.
#48
Damage control. When I do something wrong I admit partial blame so as i'm not questioned and suspected of full blame. Say as a kid I was allowed 2 biscuits but I instead take 8 (I was a fat kid). I'd admit to taking 4-5. I'm still in trouble but less so.
#49
Make people think you are a terrible liar by purposely being caught in goofy small lies. Makes it easier if you ever get into a situation where you are forced to lie.
#50
My brother was the master of this. When ever he got in an argument with a topic he couldn't win. He would ever so slightly change what he was arguing until he was arguing something completely different. Nobody would ever notice. Like one time he got in an argument with his girlfriend over him never doing the dishes. By the end of the argument, 45 minutes later, they where fighting over how she usually gets to pick the movie when they go to the movies. I'm just sitting in the next room laughing my a*s off. The girlfriend did the dishes later that night and apparently let him pick the next couple of movies.
Edit. I have received a bunch of messages about how this is not a tactic to use in a healthy relationship. I completely agree. To be clear my brother didn't use it commonly in relationships but this was an example I remembered him doing.
Image credits: anon
#51
Mirroring is a fantastic one. Just by mimicking the body language and actions of another person instantly makes them feel more relaxed and comfortable with you.
#52
Well this will be lost to the bottom, but here I go any ways.
If some one is hiding something here's how I find out what it is. I ask a series of questions the person can't possibly answer, I give just enough time for them to process the question before I ask the next one. (I.e. What was elvis's middle name? Do you think Napoleon had a favorite philosopher? What is that person wearing?*points over at a general group of people*) Then I ask them what are they hiding. Their brain will so desperately be trying to give me an answer to any of my questions when it finally gets the chance it passes by all of its filters.
Personally I find this method to be manipulative so I only use it in extreme situations. Like if I thought some one was stealing from me, or if I had suspicions that my SO was cheating on me.
Although if you do it very subtly you can convince people to give you something without them thinking about it. Every now and then I'll convince a friend to give me their drink, and then point out that they did to prank them a bit. But then I usually give it back.
Image credits: ServantOfTheBurrito
#53
Motivational Interviewing is an amazing method, though it shouldn't be used to manipulate others. It's meant to help people find their own solutions to serious problems.
Example: someone says that they really love their boyfriend and that they're going through some tough times in their relationship. They usually have so much fun together but last week they got into an a*****e fight. She defends him because he is going through a lot. You show empathy by saying, that sounds like a bad fight, and that what they're going through is really hard. Reflecting the negative details to them and skipping over any good ones, and only ask them questions about the negative details. The hope is they will slowly realize, on their own, that they're in a dysfunctional relationship and you're helping them explore and resolve ambivalence.
You're intentionally manipulating them by focussing on the bad and ignoring any of the good. The method is to show them empathy, only ask questions about the bad details, and let them draw their own conclusions. Don't give unsolicited advice. This part is key. If you have to give advice, first ask if they want advice. This way when you give it to them they're receptive.
#54
1. If somebody is angry at you, Don't shout back. Instead stay calm, listen to what they have to say, tell them you understand why they are upset & are behaving like that. Let them cool down, and you will notice they would instantly apologize, and it will become easier to make them understand your part of the story. The worst thing you can do to someone who is being rude to you is smile, and be nice to them! The guilt will only make their life harder afterwards! And they will constantly keep wondering, why it didn't bother you.
2. If you are too angry and want to control your anger, go and stand in front of a mirror. Works like magic!
3. Feeling depressed? Too much work pressure? Start to clean your room, Organize your desk, or your wardrobe. This will relax your mind and you will be able to focus better.
