THE surfing world ran out of superlatives years ago - decades ago, even - trying to describe Kelly Slater.
Yesterday was the Cocoa Beach, Florida, native's 50th birthday.
And rather than wait around to see what presents might arrive, the undisputed GOAT, the Greatest Of All Time, paddled out at Hawaii's fearsome Pipeline break last Saturday and snagged his own birthday gift by schooling his peers in steep and hollow waves to win the world's most coveted contest for an extraordinary eighth time.
Everyone had at least one eye on Slater in the lead-up to the first contest of the season. He won his first Pipe Masters title - and the first of his 11 world championships - in 1992, at the age of 20.
That was 30 years ago. Although he had still been surfing consistently well on the top-flight tour, he had not won a contest since the 2016 Billabong Pro at Teahupo'o, another fearsome left-hand break detonating onto a shallow reef.
He'd won his most recent world title, the 11th, in 2011, and when he broke two right-foot toes in a closeout tube between heats at the 2017 Jeffreys Bay contest in South Africa, it seemed that age was catching up with him after all.
He had plenty of other things to occupy him, even if they were mostly surfing related.
He'd spent years working on his wave pool - the now famous Surf Ranch at Leemore, 90 miles or so from the Californian coast - and no-one would have been surprised had he formally announced a retirement.
But he didn't, and with Pipe enjoying one of its best seasons in years, Slater set about showing why some consider him the greatest athlete of all time. Not just in surfing.
By finals day, the momentum was strongly his way, but if one instant characterised Slater's unique abilities in the water, it was his round of 16 heat on Tuesday last week, against 22-year-old Hawaiian Barron Mamiya, who won a wild-card entry on his status as a rising star at Pipeline.
It was some of the biggest surf of the contest, and with two minutes left in the 40 minute heat, Mamiya was ahead 15.17 to 13.17 out of 20, with Slater needing a 7.48 score to survive. (Surfers can catch as many waves as they like in a heat, with their score comprising their two highest.)
Hawaiian surf is not as mechanically perfect as Indonesia's. Peaks can rear up anywhere on the reef. With the buzzer about to blow, a solid wave rolled through and Slater dropped from the sky with four seconds left.
Deeply barrelled on his backhand for the length of the wave, he emerged with casual nonchalance to a roar from the beach, and a 9.23 from the judges.
After winning his quarter- and semi-final heats he looked unstoppable, and easily beat 24-year-old Hawaiian Seth Moniz, 18.77 to 12.53, in the final, with two deep and chaotic Backdoor tubes that drew a 9 and a 9.77.
It was his 56th top-tier competition win, an incredible record that will surely never be matched.
Eight Pipe titles in 30 years is extraordinary enough, but the WSL's records show him with another three 2nd places, nine 3rds, one 5th, one 7th, one 8th, two 9th places, a 13th and a 17th. Unbelievable.
PIPE DREAMS:
- Newcastle's Jackson Baker's 'amazing experience'
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- Dream debut at Pipe for rising Central Coast star Molly Picklum
- Tyler Wright's run to the semi-finals at Pipe
- Ryan Callinan ready to rock after missing Pipe through injury
The still photos are impressive enough but the heat videos, with their multiple angles and slow-motion replays, are worth watching to see how this 50-year-old threads his way through hollow mountains of water that look as though they are staying open because they know he is inside them.
Slater said after his win he was unsure about entering the second contest, the Hurley Pro at Sunset Beach, but he was seeded into the third heat of the opening round when I checked yesterday.
The contest window ends on February 23. The tour then moves to Portugal for a single contest in March before Bells Beach, Victoria, between April 10 and 20, and then Margaret River, WA, between April 24 and May 4.
Engorged with blood lust after trampling Novak Djokovic, Morrison government ministers are already huffing and puffing saying Slater won't be allowed into Australia without being vaccinated, which in my humble opinion shows them for the boofheads that they are.
With a positive COVID test in December 2021, Djokovic was entitled to a vaccination exemption under ATAGI guidelines, and Immigration Minister Alex Hawke had to invoke his "ministerial discretion" to win the day.
He should have relaxed and joined Aged Care Services Minister Richard Colbeck at the cricket.
To top it off, I read in Tuesday's Australian Financial Review that Australia allows up to 1395 "unvaccinated residents and citizens" back into the country each week! But not a defending Australian Open champion!
It shouldn't matter, but Slater's cards will be doubly marked after his Instagram post on the Djokovic saga: "Maybe Stockholm Syndrome can now change its name to Melbourne/Australia Syndrome.
"It's sad to see the celebrated division by the 'virtuous' vaccinated.
"If you're vaccinated why are you concerned/worried about anyone else's status . . . unless, of course, it doesn't protect you? . . . So much brainwashed hatred in people's hearts regardless of vax status."
He has a point, doesn't he?
Or are we still in Fortress Australia?
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