Whining is difficult to hear, and just as hard to get to the bottom of - psychologist, Dr Becky, shares simple tricks for parents to respond to whining positively.
Helping your child with their emotions is one of the hardest parts of parenting - teaching them how to manage their anger and remaining empathetic when learning how to handle tantrums, isn't easy for any caregiver. Whining can be particularly difficult to hear - a relentless noise that symbolises your child has a need, but sometimes even they don't know what that is.
Role modelling how your children can talk to you and convey their needs without shame, is a good place to start when responding to whining. However, child psychologist Dr Becky outlines five great ways to try when responding to a whining child, and here's what she has to say.
- Humour. Make light of the whining, asking “How did that whine get in here?” or ‘throwing’ the whine out. “Say, ‘Whew! It is O-U-T, OUT! Okay, sorry, what did you ask for? Ice in your water? Sure, I’ll grab you some’,” advises Dr Becky.
- Model the request yourself. Model the request without whining. Say, for example, “Dad, can you please grab me that book? Thank you,” and then say in your own voice, “Oh sure sweetie, no problem.” Simply move on after that, with no lecture required.
- Permit protest. Let your child know that they’re allowed to dislike or not agree with your decision. This doesn’t mean that you’ll change their mind on the decision, but they’re perfectly allowed to have their own views on it.
- The Fill-Up Game. Dr Becky recommends saying something like, “Oh no! I think you’re not filled up with Mummy,” before giving your child successive hugs and adding one more for “extra Mummy.”
- Empathy and boundary. Be empathetic, telling your child that you appreciate how difficult it can be to be a kid and not have as much control and freedom as an adult. But at the same time, they still have to do the thing they’re whining about – you can be firm and loving at the same time.
“Whining is a sign of desire and powerlessness, and there’s not many things that are harder than feeling those two things together,” says Dr Becky. “Kids whine because they often feel alone and unseen in their desires. Of course, our job as parents is to make decisions that we feel are right for our kids, even in the face of protest—but this doesn’t mean we can’t say “No” and still connect to their feelings.”
She explains, “The other day at lunch, my son whined for a grilled cheese cut into pieces. I paused and thought, ‘Huh. My son is actually asking me to hold a boundary, so he can let out some feelings. He is whining and being so unreasonable as a way of saying to me, ‘Mommy, be firm, provide a sturdy container for me. I need a good cry’’.”
I stopped trying to make things better and just said, “These are our food choices today. Nothing feels good, huh? Nothing feels like you want it to.” He screamed and protested and cried. He needed it.
If you’d like more advice, here are six signs you’re raising an emotionally intelligent child and this is the 'incredibly helpful' 30-second rule – liked by nearly 2 million people – that your kid needs to know about. For more from Dr Becky, she explains how to support a child with ‘explosive’ emotions, and the three tips to set screen time boundaries.
