You’ve probably encountered the many sayings people have about relationships—“If they wanted to they would,” “Love conquers all,” “The way to someone’s heart is through their stomach,” just to name a few. Whether through unsolicited advice from friends and family, or adages you may have passed on to friends, people have varying opinions about what rings true across relationships.
In a recent survey from YouGov, an online research data and analytics technology company, Americans were asked to share the best advice they’ve received or given on dating, relationships, breakups, and marriage. In a followup survey, those 2,167 participants were asked if the most frequently mentioned tips and other popular adages were “definitely true” or “probably true.”
Here are the top five things that most Americans agree are true about love and relationships.
1. Actions speak louder than words
This saying had the highest number of participants who found it to be true: 92%.
When psychologist John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, a leader in research on marriage research, conducted a study on newlyweds’ verbal and physical behaviors he determined that couples that “turned toward” one another were more likely to stay in their committed relationship after he followed up with those same couples six years later.
That means physically angling your body towards your partner instead of turning away during conflict, or verbally validating what your partner is feeling. The couples who stayed married turned toward one another about 86% of the time, whereas couples that divorced only turned to one another about 33% of the time.
Understanding your partner’s preferred love language can also make it easier to let your actions show how much you care for your partner, rather than just telling them. If they prefer acts of service, for example, you can take the time to cook them a meal, fill their car up with gas, or do their laundry when you know they’re feeling overwhelmed.
2. When people show you who they are, believe them
Of the respondents, 84% agreed with this statement. For some, these words can mean when certain qualities are revealed, don’t expect them to change.
Nicole LePera, a couples therapist with over 10 million followers across social media platforms, has said that one of the main patterns in lasting relationships is accepting and loving your partner for who they are—and not trying to change them.
Christina Eller, LMHC, a psychotherapist specializing in treating couples, previously told Fortune that knowing your partner deeply—meaning you’re aware of their joys, triggers, dreams, and worst nightmares—will help you interact with them in an empathetic, validating way.
“When we’re validating, we’re creating space for our partners to experience emotions and also to process their emotions without the fear of being judged or rejected,” Eller said.
3. True love stands the test of time
While 80% of respondents believed this to be true, love isn’t always enough in a marriage, Courtney Cope, licensed marriage and family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at online mental health platform BetterHelp, previously told Fortune.
“Love is undoubtedly a vital foundation for a healthy marriage, but it is not the sole ingredient,” Cope said. “Sustaining a fulfilling partnership requires effective communication, mutual respect, trust, shared values, and active effort from both partners. Love alone cannot address fundamental compatibility issues or the neglect of other important aspects of a relationship.”
Emphasizing individual growth for both partners can ensure that your foundation doesn’t crumble as you find fulfillment in other areas of your lives—which Cope said allows couples to bond and establish appreciation for one other beyond love for one another. You could each find new hobbies or revisit old ones, join recreational sports teams, or begin a new fitness journey.
“If you love someone but they are not evolving, finding personal meaning in their life, and building their own individual happiness, it will be challenging for love to be enough to sustain a lifetime of happiness together,” Cope said.
4. Never go to bed angry
Conflict resolution is a key part of healthy relationships—and evidently most Americans think so, too, as 80% of participants agreed with this classic saying encouraging couples to resolve their fights before calling it a night.
To avoid unhealthy conflict, be aware of the Four Horsemen, which are four negative communication patterns that can predict divorce, according to research from Gottman:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Criticism looks like attacking someone for who they are. For example, calling them lazy for not doing the dishes. Defensiveness means putting up an immediate shield when someone brings up something that’s bothering them. The third, contempt, looks like mocking someone for who they are in a genuinely mean-spirited way, while stonewalling (which is a normal response to contempt) looks like ignoring your partner and telling them you “just don’t want to talk about it.”
Assuming positive intent when your partner does something that upsets you can also help avoid unnecessary fights, Cope said. For example, if you’re frustrated by a mess your partner left in the kitchen—even after asking them multiple times to clean the dishes before leaving for work—you can give yourself time to pause, you might remember your partner has a big presentation and may have needed to rush off to the office to prepare for it.
5. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself
This popular relationship saying had 75% of respondents agreeing that it was true. Loving yourself isn’t easy—so start with knowing yourself, which is what psychotherapist Eller has advised.
“We need to be able to understand our triggers, our pasts, our childhoods, and how all of these factors can escalate the interactions with our partners,” Eller previously explained. “Those stories are so important for our own selves to know when we’re in a marriage.” While having a partner you can rely on is a great feeling, even more important is knowing how to care for yourself; after all, you know yourself better than anyone else. And truly knowing yourself means recognizing your needs and being honest about them—like acknowledging when you need a day alone, a workout, or a night out with friends. Keeping up with and feeding your needs will help you show up even better in your relationship.
For more on relationships:
- Love is no longer enough. Today’s marriages expect more from partners than ever before
- Financial disagreements are a strong predictor of divorce. These 2 tips can help you talk about money with your partner
- This small mistake is what causes most divorces, reveals celebrity therapist
- A biohacker’s love story: This 33-year-old asked her date for health labs before meeting—now they’re married
