No matter how much you and your partner love each other, at some point, you might struggle. Maybe you’re so overwhelmed with your responsibilities that you barely find quality time for each other. Maybe the passion between the two of you has faded a bit. Maybe you feel like you’re drifting apart.
It’s certainly possible to move past this and make your relationship stronger. Unfortunately, not everyone’s successful. What works for some people only makes the situation worse for others. User u/Thedhmy sparked an honest discussion on r/AskReddit after asking everyone to share what they did to reignite their relationships, only to ruin things instead. We’ve collected their powerful stories to share with you, so be sure to read on.
#1
My ex moved out to give us space to figure things out. A few weeks later our 11 year old son commented that the house was so much more peaceful without mom around. A couple weeks later ex was let out of her lease because of maintenance issues and the thought of inviting her back home made my stomach instantly hurt. Now a divorced and healing single dad.
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Forbes Advisor, which surveyed recent divorcees, found that the main reasons why people get divorced are due to a lack of family support and infidelity. 43% and 34% cited these as important reasons for the marriage breaking apart, respectively.
Other contributing factors include a lack of intimacy or compatibility (31%), arguing too much (31%), as well as financial stress (24%), and a lack of commitment (23%).
Meanwhile, parenting differences, marrying too young, and having opposing values can also negatively impact a marriage. However, the latter affects only a small portion of couples. For instance, only a fifth of respondents noted parenting differences as being a contributing factor in their divorce. Only a tenth mentioned marrying too young as being important while barely 6% said that their opposing values led to their divorce.
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According to Forbes, the most common indicators of an imminent divorce include a lack of interest in each other, poor conflict resolution, and avoiding each other.
Healthline points out that even if there’s a lack of passion in your relationship, it doesn’t automatically mean that there’s nothing left to salvage. However, it takes intentional action to change things for the better. For example, you could try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, instead of just the negatives. You could spend a week noticing all of the things that your partner does well. Meanwhile, you can show your gratitude by thanking them for all the small things they do right. It’s really heartwarming to be noticed and appreciated.
In the meantime, it’s vital that you start rekindling your passion by having fun. It’s all about becoming playful with each other again. That means setting aside some time dedicated to experiencing new things together. This requires intent. It won’t happen on its own! You could travel someplace new, try out a new restaurant, go to a class, pick up a fun hobby, or go to a fun local event. It doesn’t quite matter what you do, so long as it makes you feel full of energy and gets you out of your rut.
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#9
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Marriage.com suggests that if your relationship has lost its excitement, you can try to reignite that joy with your partner by spending quality time with each other, without any distractions. So, if you decide to go on a fun date night (the first in a long while!), the last thing you want is to keep checking your phone for messages from work. Be in the moment. Be present! Focus on your partner. There’s a ton of joy to be found in life when we slow down and stop worrying about the future.
Try to remember what it was about your partner that you found so captivating and special when you first started dating. It’s possible that all of those same qualities are still there. But life throws a lot of responsibilities our way. When you’re stuck in a routine and exhausted, it’s difficult to be playful, witty, and romantic all the time.
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A relationship is worth repairing if you and your partner are committed to truly making lasting changes for the better. What’s more, you both have to respect each other and be willing to communicate and look for compromises. In some cases, you may need a couples counselor's perspective to move forward. But remember, asking for help—especially from a professional—is not a sign of weakness.
However, if there’s no longer any trust, love, or willingness to work together, it might be best for the couple to consider moving on separately.
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#20
Not me, but I had a pair of friends who got married when they were 19-20 and both virgins. 24 years later they decide to open their marriage and "sow the wild oats" they "never got the chance to". This involved them both dating other women, but no other men for her. About a year into it he meets a woman, falls in love with her, and she ends up moving into their home as "their girlfriend". Three years on from that, they're divorced now. And notice I said I *had* a pair of friends; their marriage was far from the only relationship that got ruined in this s**tshow. EDIT -- Before I read this thread I was worried I was putting in too many specifics but now I've remembered how incredibly common and almost boilerplate this kind of thing is. Opening your relationship doesn't work, kids.
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#26
I sprayed perfume on his pillow because I saw someone do it on a film and they said it made the guy love them more. He said it was aftershave and I'd cheated on him, he then printed off old nudes of me and put them all over the neighbourhood telling everyone I was a cheater.
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#41
I have a low sex drive and my partner's high. Tried to hook up with others to, hoping it might increase my libido. Only to find out that I got STD and my partner left me.
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#42
I had a falling out with a close friend. It was mostly because of this girl he started dating that I genuinely thought was a terrible human being and only there to take advantage of his stable income, being quite incapable herself. I figured it was bad enough for him to deserve a conversation and it didn’t go well.
We went a few years without speaking to each other, and one day I see a post online that suggests he’s getting married soon. I notice it’s not the terrible human girl, and reach out to him to congratulate him. He’s happy I did, we talk like it hasn’t been 5 years, I’m excited for him, and we’re making plans.
He shares pictures of the engagement and what not, and I exclaim “thank god it’s not her, I really thought you’d marry her!”. Turns out it is her, she’s just gained weight and changed her hair.
“It is her” is the last thing he said and I was blocked shortly after.He wanted to open our marriage, encouraged by his polyamorous therapist, which was the tip of a s**t iceberg.
After much back and forth, I apprehensively agreed, and I was in a spiteful "f**k around and find out" frame of mind. The marriage came crumbling down when I not only could score my own pursuit but his as well, meaning it was my fault we failed. The funny part (in hindsight) is I only flirted, whereas he aimed to go further, and he framed it as though I cheated.
It's given me a vehement hatred for open relationships. There is no question after that experience that I am a staunch monogamist.After a mutual decision that our family was complete, I had a vasectomy at her insistence after being told it was the only way anything would be happening in the bedroom. A year later, she left to have another child with someone else. Because the vasectomy reversal which she demanded I should have was unsuccessful.We moved closer to her family. The only thing that changed was that I gave up my dream job. She was still just as miserable, but now I was also miserable.We both wrote about 3 things we wanted to change and to bring our relationship back to life. Hers were things about me that I hadn't done in over a year - when questioned, she got really defensive and insisted I still do it and then talked about a situation (that happened a year prior) to prove her point.
My main one was asking for one date night a month. When I told her mine, I basically had to fight tooth and nail to just get her to consider it. We never had any dates, rarely ever saw each other, and I was asking for 2 hours of her time once a month.
After that conversation, I really had to reflect on whether this is what I wanted or not. I was kind of glad when we broke up a couple of weeks later.Went to therapy. Thought I was “fixing myself.” Discovered that what I’d believed was normal was actually abusive; drew boundary lines like “I said no to sex earlier and you spiked my drink and I woke up in the middle of the night to find you having sex with me; not being able to repeat my no isn’t consent and therefore I will not drink with you anymore.” Things like that!
We divorced when I found out about the photos/videos obtained without my consent that were being shared with his buddies.I took a solo trip across the county for 6 weeks to reevaluate my life/relationship by taking a step away from it. realized how amazing my partner was and how lucky I had it. Came back and was broken up with :/.Maybe this isn't the right answer, but here goes. We were having serious problems in our relationship. I decided I can't change him but I could change me, so I tried to be the perfect wife. I read several books and did everything they said even when I thought it was stupid. I didn't get angry about anything, I did everything myself so I didn't have to ask for anything, I took care of everything. For 3 years. All it did was make things so much worse. It's like he needs me to be angry with him at all times so he intentionally does dumb s**t he absolutely knows I hate or other malicious things so that I'm angry and he's the poor victim who tries his best and falls short of my unreasonable expectations. He ramped it all up during the perfect wife phase. What could have previously been explained by ignorance or incompetence or selfishness now can only be explained by intentional malice aforethought. Our relationship is ruined, it can never be fixed.My ex convinced me that moving back to her s****y little hometown would fix everything because it would be cheaper and less stressful and there'd be no temptations, etc.
Barely lasted 2 months before she f****d some guy she had crush on in highschool, and I was homeless.Not me, but I'm a couples therapist and I can name three I see too often:
1) having kids
2) opening up / trying out ethical non-monogamy
3) cheating
The only problem having kid ever solves is the problem of wanting kids. Similarly, the only problem multiple relationships ever solves is the desire for multiple relationships. Both of those two *can* and frequently are very fulfilling things, but neither of them really makes the existing relationship better beyond potentially making the people in the relationship feel like they're living the life they want to live.
Cheating of course is an entire s**t-show, I only mention it because often folks justify it to themselves as something that is helping their relationship in some way (ex; partner has low sex drive so I'm getting my needs met without bothering them).We went on a swinger's cruise.Took a fancy tropical vacation. First class, all inclusive, even extended it a few days. Still couldn’t stop fighting. Spent most of it alone. I learned a lesson there.I tried saving my sexless marriage by making it "open." It got exciting for a minute then went up in flames.I had been telling her that it made me uncomfortable she was still texting her exs when I had to dump my good friend whom I dated back in middle school. She blew up and broke up with me two days later.Went on a beach vacation. She just wanted to watch tv and smoke pot like we always did. Realized it wasn't gunna work without change and we broke up a few weeks later. It sucked.We got a girlfriend. He convinced me we were in it together, but I was an obvious third wheel and we’ve since broken up. They’re still together though.Allowing my then husband and then best friend convince me to become “poly” with them.
It haunts me to this day that I told my ex, “This goes one of three ways - I lose you, I lose her or I lose both of you.” But they told me I was paranoid and was excluding the possibility that it would work. I also made the rule that if one of us was uncomfortable or not into it, we’d stop. He agreed.
He did not stop. I was also very obviously not poly minded. I knew them both. She has a lot of broken parts that make her emotionally hoard people - she has like 7 other partners. My ex is emotionally narcoleptic and would never be able to do two relationships, esp when ours was already failing. I knew enough about myself. It was never going to end well.
I left him a year after when it was obvious he wasn’t ever going to choose me. That they both were essentially gaslighting and abusing me to get to one another. I’d asked them to end their relationship 10 months earlier, they lied and said it was done. It was not - I found out years later and my ex’s face when he let it slip about their anniversary. It’s the day he told me he’d broken up with her.
Anyway, don’t do poly and don’t let your husband f**k your best friend.Not me but my ex. We went through 6+ months of no sex because he was treating me horribly and I was just no longer interested in being intimate with him.
I told him time and time again that I was unhappy and things needed to change but he didn't listen and instead blamed my lack of sex drive on being stressed about work/school/family. It never had anything to do with him in his mind.
It would start fights because he saw our relationship as a "contract" where we were obligated to "fulfill each other's needs." (Unless they were my needs.)
One day, I came home from work and he had drawn up a sex calendar. Like, a calendar literally with sex scheduled on it.
I'm not thrilled about this, because it doesn't solve the root problem. He insists that once I'm "back in the groove" I'll enjoy sex again.
I'd almost be willing to chat about this idea but then he starts giving me "rules" for the sex calendar.
1. Sex has to be scheduled 3/week, atleast.
2. If one of the scheduled sessions didn't happen, it needed to be rescheduled within the same week.
3. I was only "allowed to say no" once per week.
I was so shocked I put on my shoes and left our apartment. I could never look at him the same after this because he was ready to force me into sex I didn't want to have and he genuinely didn't see a problem with that, or understand why I would be upset. I left him a few months later.
I found out later he actually got the idea from r/deadbedrooms and that community praised the idea as genius.Tried a new church.
He was advised by his boss that it would be better for our relationship to be closer to God. The sermon was themed "Better Together". It got me thinking that I really didn't think him and I were better together. On the drive home, I initiated a conversation about some boundaries and things I wanted to change, otherwise it just wasn't going to work anymore. The sermon apparently had the opposite effect on him, and he felt that God was telling him we should stay together but keep everything exactly the same.
We broke up before we even got home and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.I didn't do it. My ex did.
We were years into long distance because of college and he was cheating on me blatantly for years and I was trying to be the "cool understanding girlfriend" and rationalized that if I just took his word for it about the other girls not meaning anything he would choose me in the end... I finally grew some self respect and the writing was on the wall so he proposed. I said absolutely not in front of a good number of folks who were total strangers. It was awful.
Then he told his entire family that I left him because I was gay. ?.I bought us plane tickets to Prague. The plan was for us to have some intimate bonding time after my work in other parts of Czechia concluded. Prague is one of my favourite cities and it would’ve been his first time in Europe. Despite the disintegrating state of our marriage, I was excited for it.
He wound up rage-quitting the trip after blowing up at me for no reason and saying things that really couldn’t be taken back, after which he kept trying to get me to invite him back on it. I said to ask me after a particularly stressful event concluded, but he ignored this and kept pestering nevertheless while gaslighting me throughout (“I didn’t rage-quit, I *volunteered* not to go so you could have some time for self-care”). Yeah, right. I’m not an idiot and have this thing called a memory.
On my last night in Prague I called him over FaceTime to divorce him and kick him out. Hung up when he began fake-crying and begging me to accept an “alternative arrangement” where we lived as platonic roommates but I continued to provide for him anyway. No thank you.This is what my partner did, but I am sure he wanted it to revive us: he proposed. It ended the relationship within a month, not because he proposed, but because he did it during an absolute crisis in our relationship, on a ski vacation where he barely said 2 words to me for 4 days until the proposal: he also had no ring and said if I said yes, then we would go shopping for one. I felt so awful, but my gut reaction was so strongly negative that I just felt like I couldn’t possibly say yes and that our relationship was definitely over. It would have been so much better to have had a really deep, open conversation about what was going on with us.I got a job at the same office as her. She asked me to apply and I wanted to be able to see her every day. When we had our blow out fight she said that She started to resent me because I didn’t have to work as hard as her to do well. I started to resent her because she never wanted to hang out anymore. I left the job after 4 months. Didn’t talk to her again for 7 months. We hooked up one last time and that was that.We opened it up because she was counting on me for the heavy majority of her emotional support and I thought it would be good for her to meet new people. She went on a date with her *therapist*. It unraveled from there.The series “Californication” ruined two of my relationships. I love that series, so I wanted to introduce it to my boyfriend at the time. He loved it too, and began to think “hot damn, what else is out there?! I am in no way ready to settle down yet!” And because I hadn’t learned the definition of insanity, I started watching it with my next boyfriend, who got the same itch. These relationships would’ve likely ended anyway, the show just was the catalyst.
Luckily, my current boyfriend has already seen the whole series and gotten it all out of his system.Therapy and medication for her depression. Fixed her depression, but not our relationship. She finally figured out what she enjoyed doing, and it wasn't for me.We tried both an open relationship and to manage a threesome. I pushed for that stuff and I regret it so much. If only I'd let it die out like that I could have moved on sooner, but all that useless stuff we tried, all the leaving and coming back, all the ups and downs ate us alive.
Today after much time I finally am back on my feet, but the damage we (but mostly I) did during three yrs together will haunt me through all my future relationships, so my advice is to not try anything, if it has to end, let it end.My girlfriend first attempted to break up with me because she relied on me too much for her happiness (we lived an hour and a half apart). Then she realized she didn’t want to and asked for me back a couple of times. I gave her two weeks with no contact to find a therapist and to write down the pain points in our relationship, and I did the same. We both thought it was a great idea. The day before the two weeks were up, I texted her, “I’ve missed you and am excited to see you.” She asked to meet that day and dumped me, saying she needed to work on herself and that I was the best boyfriend she’d ever had.
I think the two weeks ruined it. While she was going to therapy for the first time, it was a volatile period in her life, and she probably needed me there to talk through it. She said everyone in her family loved me and that her mom would probably choose for me to stay in her life if she could. It caught me totally off guard.
I asked her to meet up to talk and get some clarity. She said she couldn’t because a family member had passed away, and she needed to cope and was sorry.
I have thought about it every day for the last two-plus months and wonder if I will ever hear back from her.Went to couples therapy with an ex,
He became an ex in that first session.Invited a third into the relationship, and I was quickly forgotten about.
Edit: This was many years, and a few more failed relationships behind me. Thank you for the well wishes, though. I'm with a phenomenal woman now and I'm very happy.Bought new lingerie. Ex husband got upset and asked “why are you always after me like that?!”.Asked him to get therapy for his trauma and long history of mental health issues. I had dealt with mine and come a long way, but it got to the point that I felt like I was moving forward and he wasn’t. I asked him if he’d be willing to try therapy since it was impacting our relationship. I gave him a year to work on his mental health, he didn’t. You can’t force someone to get help, but I felt after five years together I at least owed it to us to ask, instead of just leaving when s**t got hard. After I broke up with him after over a year of telling him how things were impacting us and me, he broke down. It’s truly heartbreaking that he wasn’t ready to get help. Based on how the breakup went, I’m not sure he ever will, but I gave it my all.We had an open relationship and I wanted her to choose me. Thought I could leave a lasting impression by having a quiet date before she went to see her other person. And it backfired. She is now with them exclusively. I was an idiot for thinking I could win her over.I had a friend who proposed to his girlfriend in front of their family members. Then got anxiety about what he just did, started an argument so he can take back the proposal. Ruined the relationship.Trip to Mexico. I put my phone up and really focused on every moment of the trip. Had a lovely time being present and connecting with my partner. Get home and get accused of hiding something/her because I didn’t post anything on social…ended 3 months later.
I didn’t post anything because I left my phone in the room to focus on her. I know it was an excuse and there is more to it or she had already planned to leave but I thought it was hilarious to be blamed for something when that something was being present instead of on screens.First wife and I were really on the rocks. Hadn’t had sex in months, didn’t communicate anymore, just no love left. She rented an Airbnb in a snowy mountain resort with the idea of rekindling things. It was nice but the Airbnb kept having disasters. Kitchen sink got clogged, tv didn’t work, fireplace couldn’t be used, etc. seems like minor stuff but it all just added to the stress of trying to rekindle the relationship. Ended up getting divorced a short time later.Go live with him. It did make it better in some aspects but I was suddenly having to make life decisions with a person that one of the major problems is that he was stubborn and unwilling to see my side of things. Combine that with financial chaos amplified by his recklessness and my enabling and one can see how well that went. That also ruined other stuff in my life and I'm still fighting to lift myself back up.Used to visit my previous GF all the time in Brighton from London. About 1h40mins each way. Booked a valentines weekend away in Cambridge and she wanted me to drive to her, collect her from Uni which is the opposite direction, (she had a car and all of daddy’s money) then drive us both to Cambridge. The driving wasn’t the issue but it was at this moment I realised she has never visited me in all the years we’ve been dating, I was the only one putting in the effort. Broke up by text, and took a younger sportier model with me to Cambridge.
