Real maturity, emotional intelligence, and common sense—these are all incredibly useful and helpful things to have. Unfortunately, they’re often in short supply. What you often see is a lot of posturing: people with self-esteem issues create the illusion that they’re incredibly intelligent, experienced, and refined when they’re anything but.
Today, we’re looking at what some internet users think are the signs of fake maturity, as shared in one online thread. Scroll down for a crash course on how to recognize when someone’s pretending to be a far more confident and emotionally in control grownup than they really are. Spoiler warning: cynicism isn’t the same as maturity!
Bored Panda wanted to learn how we can all develop our emotional intelligence, as well as why some people might pretend to be more mature than they actually are. Integrative therapist Abby Rawlinson, who is a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the author of Reclaiming You, was kind enough to answer our questions. You’ll find the insights she shared with us as you read on.
#1
Inability to acknowledge the imperfections you have. You can not grow as a person unless you accept that you still need to.
Image credits: RafeReddits
According to BACP member Rawlinson, developing emotional intelligence is a process involving self-awareness, empathy, and genuine openness to personal growth. She shared some steps that we can all take in our day-to-day lives.
“Practice self-reflection and expand emotional vocabulary. Becoming more in tune with your emotions starts with regularly checking in with yourself. Setting aside time each day—whether through journaling, meditation or simply pausing to ask, ‘What am I feeling right now?’—helps cultivate self-awareness,” she explained to Bored Panda.
“However, many people struggle to accurately name their emotions, which can make it harder to process or communicate them effectively. Expanding your emotional vocabulary can be incredibly helpful. A great tool for this is The Feelings Wheel, which breaks broad emotions down into more nuanced categories. For example, instead of just saying ‘I feel upset,’ you might recognize that you actually feel sad, angry, humiliated, or disappointed. The more precise we can be with our emotions, the better we can understand and manage them,” she said.
Something else that we can do to grow our emotional intelligence is to cultivate deep listening skills. “There are two key elements to being a good listener: being fully present and being agenda-free,” Rawlinson said.
#2
Faking your depression to post it on social media.
Image credits: AlbiTuri05
#3
One I learned recently, in an apology if the person says “I’m sorry IF what I did hurt you.”
They are only apologizing for being caught, or that you were upset by the action/words. They aren’t actually owning up to their mistake.
Image credits: editmycupcakez
“Being fully present means putting your phone away and focusing entirely on the other person. Pay attention to their body language and show genuine interest by asking open-ended questions. It can be tempting to jump in and complete their sentences, but emotional maturity involves patience—allowing others to find their own words and speak at their own pace. One of the most powerful ways to show someone that you’ve truly heard them is through mirroring—repeating back their key thoughts and emotions using their own language.”
Meanwhile, being agenda-free means putting your own wants, needs, and opinions aside for the duration of the conversation. “When we listen with an agenda—whether it’s to fix, convince, or insert our own experience—we often focus more on formulating our response than on truly hearing the other person. This can make people feel unheard or defensive. Being a good listener isn’t about knowing exactly what to say—it’s about knowing exactly what the other person is saying,” the therapist explained to Bored Panda.
Another approach to consider is embracing the power of ‘both/and.’ “Many people tend to think of emotions in black-and-white terms, believing they can either be happy or sad, calm or angry. But emotionally intelligent people understand that it’s completely normal—and even healthy—to experience seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time.”
Rawlinson gave a few examples of this: “When someone dies, you might feel both sad about the loss and thankful for the memories you shared. When you start a new job, you might feel both excited for a fresh start and disappointed to leave your old colleagues. You might be angry at your ex but also miss them deeply. More than one thing can be true at the same time, and learning to hold space for these complexities is a key part of emotional growth.”
#4
Unwillingness to enjoy things
Real maturity allows you to read the YA novel or dress up for Halloween or buy a balloon at the circus. False maturity refuses to have any fun.
Image credits: unlovelyladybartleby
#5
"I'm not yelling at you. I'm just raising my voice".
Image credits: wifeofundyne
#6
Liking mature, dark shows for the sake of them being dark and mature whilst looking down on those who prefer something light-hearted.
Image credits: Negirno
Vulnerability holds a lot of power, too. “At its most concrete, vulnerability involves sharing the true parts of ourselves that we fear may result in rejection or judgment. It might mean telling someone that you feel depressed, admitting that someone has hurt your feelings, or expressing romantic interest in another person,” Rawlinson said.
“Vulnerability can feel uncomfortable, even risky, but it’s a risk worth taking if we want to build authentic relationships. Emotionally mature people understand that vulnerability isn’t a weakness—it’s the foundation of deep, meaningful connections. When we express our vulnerability, we are more likely to be perceived as authentic, honest, and relatable. People appreciate vulnerability. It signals trust, invites support, and adds depth to our relationships.”
Meanwhile, we also wanted to figure out why someone might pretend to be more emotionally mature than they actually are. According to Rawlinson, this can happen for various reasons, whether consciously or without the person even realizing they’re doing it. “Emotional maturity is widely valued in personal and professional settings, so there can be a strong incentive to perform it rather than truly embody it,” she said.
For instance, the person might mistake being attuned to others’ emotions for emotional maturity. “One of the biggest misconceptions about emotional intelligence is that it’s primarily about understanding other people’s emotions. Some people pride themselves on being highly empathetic, reading social cues well, or offering advice to others, and they take this as evidence of their own emotional maturity. But real emotional intelligence isn’t just about recognizing emotions in others—it’s about understanding, processing, and regulating your own emotions, too.”
#7
Rushing to accomplish life goals.
Things like marriage or having children *are* accomplishments, but some people struggle with being patient for those things to come after reaching adulthood. Doing so can put themselves in a position where those life changes are not financially sound choices, or, in another way, it leaves a sort of vacancy of what to do in life after those things are done.
Image credits: CrunchyKorm
#8
Talking about a subject with the most absolute confidence and if someone points out that you got something wrong, you then go and berate them and tell them that you can’t be wrong because you know you’re right.
Image credits: OneSilentPerspective
#9
Constant bragging.
Image credits: Internal_Dance_2993
Furthermore, the person might fake emotional maturity to be seen as wise or evolved. “Emotional intelligence is increasingly associated with self-awareness, wisdom, and even social status. Some people may want to present themselves as enlightened or highly evolved, especially in spaces where personal development is valued. They might use the right terminology (e.g., ‘I’m setting a boundary,’ ‘That’s just my attachment style,’ or ‘I’ve done the inner work’) without actually engaging in the difficult emotional processing that real growth requires,” Rawlinson explained to Bored Panda.
“With the rise of self-help content online, people are exposed to more psychological terms and personal development concepts than ever before. While this can be positive, it also makes it easier for people to adopt the language of emotional intelligence without deeply integrating it into their lives. They may use buzzwords like ‘trauma response,’ ‘boundaries,’ and ‘self-awareness’ but struggle to actually apply these concepts in their own relationships.”
According to the therapist, the difference between and performed emotional maturity often comes down to humility. “Emotionally mature people are willing to admit when they’re still growing, while those pretending to be mature often present themselves as already having all the answers.”
If you live in the United Kingdom and are considering counseling, you can take a look through the BACP’s therapist directory. Meanwhile, feel free to visit therapist Rawlinson's website and take a look at her book, Reclaiming You.
#10
After breaking up, blasting the other person on Reddit while refusing to take any responsibility and claiming your own superior “emotional maturity”.
Image credits: hiswifenotyours
#11
Trying to sound profound or clever.
Image credits: deanfranz12
#12
Saying other people are “childish” for enjoying life or making mistakes.
Posting every emotional matter online.
Constantly trying to prove you have a “I don’t need anyone” mentality
Rushing, getting married or pregnant on purpose without much thought for finances or emotional ability to handle it in the long run.
Image credits: cyclic-magnolia
According to PsychCentral, emotionally mature adults are aware that their emotions are separate from their identity. Trauma and relationship coach Robyn Smith explains that an example of this is labeling yourself as a person who sometimes experiences anger instead of ‘an angry person.’ There’s a huge difference between the two!
Furthermore, emotionally mature adults take responsibility for their emotions instead of blaming others for how they feel, take an interest in others’ emotions and needs, and can receive feedback without becoming defensive or argumentative. In other words, they manage to stay collected even when they don’t agree with someone or someone doesn’t agree with them.
#13
Complacency with authority.
Image credits: Playingpokerwithgod
#14
Having an attitude that everything sucks.
Image credits: BarcodeNinja
#15
Extreme polarity on views and leaving no room for empathy. Also, unwillingness to agree to disagree.
Image credits: greenpalladiumpower
Emotionally mature individuals also know how to communicate their emotions, express anger without harming others or themselves, know how to regulate their emotions, and experience their emotions without allowing them to take over. They can stay calm even when they’re frustrated.
Meanwhile, Verywell Mind explains that emotionally intelligent people can identify and describe what others are feeling, are aware of their personal strengths and weaknesses, are confident and accept themselves, and can let go of mistakes.
#16
Buying expensive stuff. It's easy to swipe a credit card, a whole different thing to actually pay for it.
Image credits: silentpropanda
#17
Having a condescending, patronizing attitude by default when talking to people.
It basically says "I will assume that I am more mature than you, so I will talk to you like you are a child and I am a responsible adult.".
#18
Trying to act like you have life experience from your mistakes without actually learning anything from those mistakes.
Image credits: Smile-Fearless
Moreover, they accept and embrace change, are very curious about the world and other people, feel empathy and show sensitivity, accept responsibility for their mistakes, and manage their emotions in tough situations.
Luckily, emotional intelligence is a skill that everyone can develop. Of course, it’ll take time and dedicated practice, but it’s all worth it in the end because you’ll have deeper, more meaningful relationships and less anxiety in your life.
#19
Inability to get along with, or respect people with different opinions. Especially political.
Part of maturity is being able to keep an open mind, and consider other perspectives.
Image credits: RafeReddits
#20
Swearing every other word.
Image credits: -benpiano800-
#21
Projection during arguments.
I.e. "I would never do that.".
Image credits: 25BicsOnMyBureau
Some ways that you and we can all practice becoming more emotionally intelligent include accepting criticism and responsibility, moving on after making blunders, saying ‘no’ when needed, sharing feelings with others, and looking for compromises when faced with real problems.
You can also get better at this by actively trying to have more empathy for other people, developing your listening skills (i.e., actively listening to someone instead of waiting for your turn to speak), and trying not to be judgmental. You should also think about the reasons why you do the things that you do.
#22
If words don’t reflect actions. It’s easy to say something. Living by what you say is harder to do.
#23
Doing things just to look cool and mature.
Like that colleague of mine who smokes cigars despite obviously not liking them.
Same guy once told me that I absolutely *have* to drink wine, because drinking wine is stylish.
Btw, he's in his 40s….
#24
Literally stating that they're "mature" now lmao.
Emotional and psychological maturity is directly linked to experience. Put yourself in enough different situations, interact with enough people from different cultures and backgrounds, handle enough failures and successes, and you’ll get a semi-accurate understanding of how the world works. In part, real maturity means accepting the world and other people as they are, and then adjusting your actions so that you can reach your goals or improve a problematic situation more quickly and easily.
#25
"I was born in the wrong generation".
Image credits: Zkenny13
#26
Being hypercritical, hypercynical, or excessively jaded about everything.
#27
Raising your voice when your not in danger. Criticizing someone behind their back instead of talking directly to them. Talking a lot about what you know compared to asking questions and just listening.
Frustration, anger, and lashing out at others happen when there’s a large gap between a person’s expectations and reality. When someone who is overly naive perceives injustice (whether real or imagined), they feel the need to speak up and correct the situation. Pushing back against injustice is vital, of course. But the most obvious way to do this (yelling angrily, often online) might not be the one that leads to real, actionable change. Subtlety, diplomacy, and compromise are often what lead to fundamental shifts. And it often takes years of dedicated, focused effort to improve society for the better. Change doesn’t happen overnight.
What are the biggest red flags that someone’s only pretending to be emotionally mature, dear Pandas? On the flip side, what are some genuine indicators that a person is actually very mature? Let us know in the comments!
#28
Dating someone 35+ when you're 19 and then defending it in relationship subreddits.
Image credits: NoBussyHussy
#29
People who rant about their partners lacking maturity are usually the least mature.
Like attracts like.
#30
People getting offended by swearing. I'm 32 I had a man chastise me to talk like an adult yesterday. In a setting which wasn't work but was clear I was the one "in charge".
Image credits: allentomes
#31
I saw a few answers before this and none are wrong.
I'll go with talk like a man of nobility from 1800 (I found 2 of those kind of guys).
Image credits: MemoCremisi
#32
Maxed out credit cards while borrowing money.
#33
Posting your success online.
#34
Lacks humility and doesn't like rock and roll.
Image credits: Im-Responsible
#35
Using uncommon words to communicate their message. I love words too, but many sentences do not need more exotic words to explain your point.
Image credits: sane-ish
#36
Driving a vehicle. Just because you can drive, doesn't mean you are mature.
#37
Insisting on doing everything alone by yourself.
Image credits: darth_nadoma
#38
Some girls hold their starbucks cup very intentionally strange like they want to show the world they are holding the cup and show they drink coffee and they act as if they are the busiest, most important person in the room.
I can't really describe it perfectly, but it 100% is pretentiously fake-maturity. Usually young adults do that who still think being grown up is something interesting.
#39
Laying about age.
#40
Anything cryptocurrency because they oughta know that it takes away the value from the American dollar.
#41
Pretending to like olives.
