About half of Americans think about either an old crush or a romantic partner with whom they have lost touch (11% do this frequently and 37% occasionally), and 49% have used the internet to find out what happened to them.
So it's no surprise that when Reddit user Correct-Cycle5412 made a post on r/AskOldPeople, asking its members to confess if they have lost feelings for "the one who got away," the replies were also mixed.
But what makes the discussion so interesting is that folks didn't just give a yes or no answer. They shared deeply personal stories, and how those experiences have shaped their views on love and relationships over time.
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We got in touch with Correct-Cycle5412 and they said they hadn't expected the thread to attract the attention that it did.
"The day before I posted the question, I had a rather deep discussion with a close friend who'd just been through a painful breakup," the Redditor told Bored Panda. "He told me that he had worked through a great deal of grief and was beginning to see his life clearly again without his ex, but he said that he felt as though he'd always regret that she hadn't turned out to be 'the one.'"
"It dawned on me that we've all emotionally invested in at least one relationship which turned out to not be sustainable, and I wondered whether that feeling of loss ever truly fades for anyone. The question sort of rolled naturally out of that thought process, so I can’t say that it exactly popped into my head. It seemed to stem from a truth."
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After going through the replies they have received Correct-Cycle5412 said the most shocking thing to them was the number of "no."
"It's tempting to comfort a person (especially young people) in the wake of a failed relationship by saying that they will 'move on' and 'learn to love again,' but the responses to that post seem to show that that's not [always] the case."
"I hoped to read older responders giving a resounding affirmative answer, but I instead was stunned by a resounding 'no.'"
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Claudia Brumbaugh, a psychologist who studies adult attachment at the City University of New York, says on average people think you should wait five months before entering a new relationship.
And there's a great benefit to moving on. In a study of people whose relationships had recently ended, those who quickly found new partners reported higher self-esteem and well-being and feeling less anxious.
Their relatively uninterrupted relationship status allows their lifestyle to flow smoothly as they transition from one partner to another.
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Personally, Correct-Cycle5412 believes that once in love, we will carry a piece of that person inside of us whether the relationship itself continues or not.
"It pains me to admit this, but even before posting the question I've always felt that no one ever gets over a failed romance. Relationships fail because people either change or discover that their partner is not a suitable match. Even with that realization, we can't really escape the feeling of loss when an intimate partner is no longer in our lives, and we grieve the version of us that dies with the relationship. I can't see how that grief wouldn't be lifelong," they said.
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Interestingly, studies suggest that while break-ups take a more immediate emotional toll on women, men suffer more in the long term and may never truly get over it.
Craig Morris, research associate at Binghamton University, believes the differences boil down to biology. Since women have more to lose by dating the wrong person, they are better at accepting a relationship is over and selecting a new partner.
"Put simply, women have evolved to invest far more in a relationship than a man," Morris said. "A brief romantic encounter could lead to nine months of pregnancy […] while the man may have 'left the scene' literally minutes after the encounter.”
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As a result, the women among the 5,705 participants in his study – surveyed across 96 countries – reported higher levels of emotional investment and pain when a relationship came to an end than men did.
However, that same need to choose a good "mate" also makes women very "selective" about who they date, so they are good at enlisting the support of their friends to pull through and choose another person.
But men are more "competitive" in their approach, meaning the loss of a woman they see as a good catch could be deeply felt for months and years.
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"The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it sinks in that he must start competing all over again to replace what he has lost - or worse still, come to the realisation that the loss is irreplaceable," Morris explained.
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Mine was "the one that got killed by a drunk driver" and it still hurts/angers me that the POS is walking free 10 years later.After 35 years of being married to the same woman, I don't even really recall the names of the ones who got away (or that I got away from), much less have feelings for them.I'm not sure anyone ever gets over "the one that got away" OR i should say what they romanticize about what they thought would have been their life with that person. for decades, i held a space in my heart for that person. than when facebook came out, i saw that he was currently the head of the republican party in his county. haven't thought about him for one second since...I married the one who got away over 20 years later.
No, I never lost feelings.The one I truly wanted died last October, 2 weeks shy of our 35 anniversary. As I look back on my life I can’t help but feel so incredibly blessed. All my dreams came true in so many areas of my life. Mind you the tragedies have been big too, but those I lost too soon (my son and husband) will be waiting for me at the pearly gates.I actually gained different feelings for her…as in “what the hell was I thinking”….No. It’s been 25 years. We never had closure. I’m now happily married with an amazing child. But, I will always wonder “what if.” However, I try to remind myself that I’m in love with a memory. That person doesn’t exist anymore.If you truly loved someone, you never stop loving them. The relationship may not last but the love remains.In my experience, no. Fifty years later, happily married with kids and grandkids, I still think of her almost daily. A bittersweet longing that I will have until the end.I think it’s a bit like a deep physical injury. Yes you get over it, but there will be a scar. And possibly other aspects that aren’t quite the same as before.No. My biggest regrets in life is being too wrapped up in my career to pay attention to the most awesome woman I ever met....and was smart enough to dump my a*s. That was 40 years ago.
Nope. No matter how many years it’s been and how weird she’s gotten since then, in my heart, our lives would have been different had we been together
To me, she was “the one.” I’m happily married for almost 30 years, but this is the quiet truth I don’t like to talk about
I first met her almost 40 years ago. I always wish we had the chance to make it work.No. The feelings are diminished and infrequent, but they still exist. However, I’m not interested in pursuing “lost times.”.Yep. Took 20 years but you absolutely can get over a failed relationship by living a good life and finding someone who is a fit for you .We were together in the early 1980’s, then broke up, and we completely lost contact well before the decade was over.
I Googled her name about two years ago to see what I could find out about her, and the first link was her obituary. I went into a mild shock for a day or two.
So, no.Nope. It's been years now and I'm perpetually, chronically single because of it all. I can't date *anyone* because all I do is look for **her** inside them. And nobody deserves to be stuck with a miserable broken-hearted, hopeless romantic like me??.No. They're always there in the back of your mind.Nope. I still dream about him frequently.When I found out she was on her third marriage and still living the life of daddy's girl, I lost those feelings.No ? I was young. The relationship was too perfect. We had too many things in common. I became paranoid by his chivalry. I thought his loving gestures were a form of control. He was just a gentleman. After I broke up with him, he closed his North American office and returned home. Years later, we meet back up when his nephew is touring my university. I just looked up, and he was standing at my office door with that same shy smile. He's divorced and still the perfect gentleman. I'm married. We've remained professional friends and often consult with one another on projects.Yes. Took a while but now I only cringe when I think about how attached I was for so long to such an obvious in retrospect jerk. Guess that doesn’t answer the question though because it was never really a good relationship for me.Nope, and we've remained friends over the last 35 years mostly social media now as he moved away years ago. We were young and stupid and never really single/available at the same time the other one was. We definitely still deeply care for and love one another but we don't cross any lines even in messaging one another. I've been married for 22 years and when my husband almost died in ICU last November (he is not well) my mind went there "what if". My ex has been single for 15 years now. My husband said he wants me to be happy if something happens to him but I can't imagine living without him.
I feel very fortunate to have had 2 great loves in my life. I know many people who have never even had one.Ha ha, yeah. I completely got over mine, with thanks whenever I think of her, which is rarely.I still think of him from time to time, even in my dreams. In the dreams, we're the same age as we were when we met, rather than our current ages. It's mostly about sex. No one since has known my body the way he did.I don’t think so. I dated mine in my early 20’s and still now, at 49 and in a happy and loving relationship with someone else…I still think about him. We actually still keep in touch and have for 20+ years. We’ve agreed to never actually meet in person, though. They would be a bad idea .The feelings change, but both of the “ones who got away” still have a fond place in my heart. We parted on good terms in both cases, but it was a matter of wrong place and wrong time. I’m decades away from the time we spent together, but I wish them well and on the rare occasion when I run into either of them I’m genuinely glad to see them with no sense of regret. My life is good and I’m glad to know theirs are as well.No. Especially a sweetie, a compatible personality, a physical attraction. We all have.No, no feelings left except for a mild sadness that both of us trying hard wasn’t enough.
And really, if it were meant to be we wouldn’t have broken up 3 times.
I learned a lot though, and I never repeated my mistakes.
The new mistakes were never as bad either.
I’m grateful for what I learned and experienced, but if I lived my life over again it wouldn’t include her.There are two of them, and they're both happy for me and perhaps a bit envious of my wife.
Who sees them and says to me "Wait, you blew it with *both* of them?" and stifles a giggle.I dream about him quite often.Definitely.
For me it was reconnecting on FB and him posting an image of Michelle Obama superimposed over a chimpanzee. Every single bit of longing, melted away just like that. Gone.
It's harder when they're good people. I found out a few years ago one of my first real boyfriends passed in his twenties and I had no idea. I had always wanted to find him. He was a good person and I didn't treat him very well, being young myself and a bit out of control. I didn't appreciate his maturity until I was older so I wished i could find him and maybe... maybe. But all that time I wished to find him he was dead. Long gone. So that's a little harder to get over.I'm a very happily married male of 58 who will celebrate 34 years of marriage -- in a row, to the same woman -- on Saturday. We met my sophomore year of college (her freshman). That was nearly 39 years ago. She is my absolute soulmate, best friend, biggest buddy and big toe.
Having said that, I will admit wondering what might have happened had my girlfriend during my senior year of high school not broken up with me after I graduated. We had a very similar connection. Even though I went to a university in the same town, she still had two more years of high school to finish while both of us would be fumbling through the high school-college interface. It would never have worked out.
I lost romantic feelings for her many years ago. We're friends on a well-known social media outlet and like each others' posts from time to time. We rarely comment. And that's fine with me.I think that first loves leave indelible marks on you. You love with careless abandon because you have no clue that it might end.
On all subsequent loves, I think you hold back just a little bit. After a while you let that last bit go but you start with a reservation.
A lesson often painfully learned is hard to set aside.
