If you watched all of his specials or at least a single minute of his great sets, you know that Jim Gaffigan loves to talk about food. Good food, bad food, and anything and everything in between, the prolific comedian, actor, author, and underrated CBS Sunday Morning contributor has talked or written about it all. Here are some of his most hilarious jokes about food, including bacon bits, fast food stories, and of course, Hot Pockets…
"I Bet If You Put Bits Of Bacon On A Strip Of Bacon, You Could Travel Back In Time" (King Baby)
Jim Gaffigan’s 2009 special, King Baby, features 70+ minutes of ridiculous food stories, many of which have become major parts of the comedian’s act. One of the funniest moments in the special streaming for anyone with a Netflix subscription is this line about the time-travel properties of a double-bacon situation.
"I've Never Eaten A Hot Pocket And Afterwards Been 'I'm Glad I Ate That'" (Beyond The Pale)
Though Jim Gaffigan tends to avoid acting in comedy movies, one thing he never shies away from is a good joke about Hot Pockets. His iconic 2005 special, Beyond the Pale, features a bit that perfectly captures the pain and self-consciousness that comes about after consuming one of those microwaved pastries filled with calories and self-hate.
"How Much Denial Are We In When We're Eating Mini Muffins?" (Beyond The Pale)
Consuming mini muffins instead of a full-sized dessert doesn’t make you a healthier eater, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise. And Jim Gaffigan touches on this perfectly in Beyond the Pale when he points out that no matter the size, a muffin is still a muffin and not some healthy treat.
"You Can't Have Cake For Breakfast Unless It's A Pancake" (Beyond The Pale)
Would you eat a cake for breakfast? Probably not unless you’re under the age of 10. But eating pancakes is totally acceptable, right? Well, Jim Gaffigan pokes fun at this logic, and the tradition of loading up on carbs at sunrise in Beyond the Pale.
"I Want A Cup Of Chocolate!" (The Pale Tourist)
Okay, even when you don’t know the context of the story or how it fits into The Pale Tourist, just know that Jim Gaffigan yelling “I want a cup of chocolate” will never not be funny.
"You're Gonna Give A Speech About Principles When You Throw A Bagel In The Toilet?" (The Jim Gaffigan Show)
Before concluding after its second season, The Jim Gaffigan Show gave TV Land viewers some hilarious moments that felt like scenes taken out of the comedian’s standup routines. This includes this ridiculous quip after Gaffigan’s on-screen wife tries to prove a point by flushing a bagel down the toilet.
"You Ever Eat So Much You Feel Sick? Isn't That The Best? Then You Feel Like A Real American" (Beyond The Pale)
Jim Gaffigan perfectly summed up the American experience in this unforgettable section of his Beyond the Pale special. Self-hatred and self-induced tummy aches never tasted so good.
"Oh Yeah, It's Like A Plaid Pancake, I'll Have 12 Of Those For A Nickel" (King Baby)
Jim Gaffigan talking about the good, the bad, and the ugly of Waffle House is the gift that just keeps on giving, especially during this King Baby bit, where he describes waffles as nothing more than plaid pancakes. He makes some less-than-ideal comments about the American eatery, but we’ll let them slide.
"Even The Frying Of Bacon Sounds Like Applause" (King Baby)
There is nothing better than Jim Gaffigan talking about bacon, something that happens pretty much all the time. One of his funniest comments comes from King Baby where he compares the sound of frying cured strips of pork to a round of applause. We’ll clap for that.
"Breakfast In Bed, That Is A Fantasy" (King Baby)
Breakfast in bed is great, no matter if you’re sick and can’t get to the kitchen or your spouse surprises you on a birthday. Jim Gaffigan goes as far as calling it a fantasy in King Baby. But be warned, as you may want to clear the bed before the inevitable bacon-induced coma sets in.
"Food Delivery Is A Combination Of My Two Favorite Activities: Eating And Not Moving." (Beyond The Pale)
If you were to go back in time and tell 2005 Jim Gaffigan that services like DoorDash and UberEats would exist a few years later, he would have probably added even more hilarity to this great bit.
"I Don't Know Much About Grammar, But I Think Kale Salad Is What They Call A 'Double Negative'" (Food: A Love Story)
As Jim Gaffigan points out in his 2015 book, Food: A Love Story, kale salad seems like a dish that would cancel itself out, leaving you staring at an empty plate with nothing more than confusion and a growling belly.
"I Find Meat Repulsive, I'll Have A Veggie Burger With Fake Bacon. And Can You Serve It To Me Dressed Like A Cow?" (Beyond The Pale)
Jim Gaffigan impersonating random people in his standup routines is always a recipe for hilarity, including this moment in Beyond the Pale when he pokes fun at vegetarians in denial about their culinary choices.
"I Even Enjoy Watching People Make Food. But Have You Ever Noticed The Food Network Is Far More Interesting When You're Hungry? When You're Full, You're Like, 'This is Stupid...'" (Beyond The Pale)
Spending hours watching cooking shows is a great way to spend an afternoon, especially before filling your gut with all the food in your kitchen. But you know what’s not that fun, and kind of uncomfortable? Well, Jim Gaffigan answered that question in Beyond the Pale.
"I Went To Waffle House Last Night. I'll Tell Ya, I Thought The IHOP Was A Dump Until I Went Into A Waffle House." (King Baby)
Anthony Bourdain loved his first Waffle House experience, but Jim Gaffigan doesn’t feel the same way. In his King Baby special, the comedian had some not-so-nice comments about the notorious eatery.
"It's Fun Telling People You Go To McDonald's. They Always Give You That Look Like, 'Oh, I Didn't Know I Was Better Than You." (Mr. Universe)
Is there anything worse than being judged because you are fond of those golden arches? But who cares if someone looks down on you for loving the fries, the burgers, the McShakes, and even the McRib?
"You Ever Eat A Cinnabon? You Have To Take A Nap Halfway Through." (Beyond The Pale)
Jim Gaffigan talking about Cinnabon in Beyond the Pale is up there with his best bits. The comedian explains you need insulin and a wheelbarrow after taking in one of these massive and undeniably tasty sweet treats, an image that you just can’t get out of your head.
"From What I Can Tell, The Recipe For A Taco Salad Is Pretty Simple: Dump Eight Tacos Into An Edible Bowl" (Food: A Love Story)
This short and great blurb from Jim Gaffigan’s Food: A Love Story book is so funny because it’s so accurate. How many of us have had a taco quickly turn into a “salad” after accidentally breaking one too many taco shells in our grubby hands?
"Tim Horton's Is Like America's Stop Sign" (The Pale Tourist)
In The Pale Tourist, Jim Gaffigan goes off on several topics and eating establishments both stateside and abroad, including Canada’s favorite coffee shop, Tim Horton’s. This hilarious moment is so funny and so true.
"Subway Really Was A Bit Of A Disappointment. You’re Like ‘Hey, Subway Eat Fresh.’ Then You Bite In And You’re Like ‘Not So Fresh.’” (Mr. Universe)
There are few things in life more enjoyable than tearing down Subway. The smell, the “freshness,” and those terrible “Five Dollar Footlong” jingles are all just terrible. Glad Jim Gaffigan thinks so as well.
"Ugh, I'm So Full. I Guess I'll Have Some Cheese. Hmm, I Don't Even Like Cheese. I Guess I'll Finish It." (Food: A Love Story)
Food: A Love Story is full of one great moment after another, and it is so accurate on top of that. This quote from Jim Gaffigan’s book is a perfect example of that. We’ve all been in this place before.
"Speaking Of Pig Slop, Have You Tried One Of Those KFC Bowls?" (King Baby)
Although KFC has had some great ads with Darrell Hammond’s Colonel Sanders and that bizarre RoboCop commercial, no amount of marketing dollars can make the famous bowls taste like actual food.
"Well, I shouldn't but I'm in a hurry so I'll get a burger, and fries, and to drink I'll have the large cup of melted ice cream. Do you have an EKG machine back there?" (King Baby)
Jim Gaffigan loves self-deprecating humor as much as he loves giving it to fast-food restaurants. This classic moment from King Baby is another great example of that, with the EKG machine comment being the cherry on top of this melted ice cream.
"Whenever I've Made The Mistake Of Tasting Fruitcake I Always Think: 'Did I Just Bite Into A Skittle? Or Was It A Thimble?'" (Food: A Love Story)
Skittle or thimble, you never know what you’ll get when you bite down on a piece of fruitcake. This dessert has been beaten a lot over the years, but Jim Gaffigan’s description is one of the best.
“It Would Be Embarrassing Trying To Explain What an Appetizer Is to Someone From a Starving Country. “Yeah, the Appetizer -That’s the Food We Eat Before We Have Our Food.” (Food: A Love Story)
You don’t really know how good you have it until you start explaining the concert of appetizers to people used to a meal a day. American culture at its finest.
"Fortune Cookies Are An American Invention, And We Gave It To Them. The Chinese Were Probably Like, 'Uh, We Don't Want It,' And We Were Like, 'It's Now Part Of Your Ethnic Identity.'" (Food: A Love Story)
The Americanization of global cuisine is truly something to behold. Jim Gaffigan points this out beautifully and humorously in Food: A Love Story with this bit on Chinse restaurants.
“Chinese Food Almost Comes Too Quickly. You’re Like, ‘Yeah, I Will Have—Oh, There It Is. Mmm. How Did You Know I Even Wanted That?'" (Beyond The Pale)
Nothing against Chinese food because we all love it, but it’s crazy how quickly it’s made sometimes. What’s the secret? Jim Gaffigan tries to figure it out in this wonderful Beyond the Pale moment.
"That's Why We Really Love Those Value Meals - Just Have To Say A Number... 'Two!'" (Beyond The Pale)
Though “Value Meals” aren’t as affordable as they were when Beyond the Pale was released nearly 20 years ago, Jim Gaffigan brings up a great point in one of the best comedy specials on Netflix. It’s easy on the customers, the employees, and just about everyone else not adhering to a strict diet.
"They Know We're Embarrassed To Eat Fast Food, That's Why They Invented The Drive-Thru" (King Baby)
Drive-thru lanes and confessional booths have a lot in common, but the biggest similarity is the veiled sense of anonymity. Yeah, the fast food worker and priest most likely know who you are by this point, but we all live in a state of denial.
"I Wouldn't Trust Them Skinnies With Food Advice." (Food: A Love Story)
The skinny folks among us have great advice when it comes to dieting, exercise, and longevity, but when it comes to food, we need someone who looks like they have butter running through their veins.
"I View Grace As King Of The 'On Your Mark, Get Set...' And The 'Amen' As The 'Go!'" (Food: A Love Story)
Jim Gaffigan isn’t talking about one of the funniest National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quotes in this excerpt from his book, Food: A Love Story, but this bit is just as hilarious. Have you ever sat with a group of kids (or hungry adults) champing at the bit during the blessing? Try it out at your next family dinner.
"I Thought I'd Order What I Want. I Wasn't Really In The Mood For Bug Meat" (Obsessed)
Jim Gaffigan doesn’t sound like the biggest fan of lobster in this bit from Obsessed. Though lobster, crab, and shrimp are great and all, they’re nothing more than bugs of the sea.
As you can probably tell by now, Jim Gaffigan loves to talk about food as much as he loves eating it. And guess what, we love hearing one of the funniest comedians on the planet talk about food. Though his work is much tamer than, say, Mitch Hedberg’s best jokes, sometimes good, clean fun can be a lot of fun.
