When Erica was twelve-years old, she abruptly ended one of her childhood passions. It wasn’t because she no longer enjoyed playing the piano or wasn’t good at it. It was because of what her mom said. When Erica overheard her comment to a friend, “Both girls are great at piano, but Abby has a real knack for it,” she was so angered at the comparison to her sister that she never touched a piano again.
Her mom’s misstep isn’t unique. It tells us something fundamental about human nature. For a quarter century, I have been researching what it means to be an inspiring leader. But it was only when I became a father that I realized everything I knew about being a leader applies to being a parent.
Erica’s reaction represents something I call the Leadership Amplification Effect, which captures how all our words and expressions—positive and negative—get amplified when we are in a leadership position. The Leader Amplification Effect imbues incidental or offhand behaviors with deep, symbolic importance. But it’s not only about CEOs and Presidents. It’s about anyone with power whom we look up to.
Parents are leaders to kids. The Parent Amplification Effect often turns their offhand comments into life-altering events. But here’s the crazy part. We may not even be aware of our impact. Erica’s mom had no idea why Erica quit the piano until I told her the story at Erica’s PhD graduation!
My research on what makes someone inspiring has led to three insights that are equally applicable to parenthood.
First, we all move along a continuum from inspiring to infuriating that is made up of three universal factors: visionary (seeing the big picture), exemplar (being a calm and courageous protector), and mentor (elevating, empowering, and empathizing with others).
Second, those attributes are universally desired because each fulfills a fundamental human need, e.g., being visionary satisfies the fundamental need for a sense of meaning and understanding.
Finally, no one is inherently inspiring or infuriating. It is our current behavior that determines where we fall on the spectrum. This means that all of us can become more inspiring by building and honing our visionary, exemplar, and mentor capacities.
Let’s start with being visionary. Articulating the big picture gives our kids context for their feelings and behavior. But it also helps us take a step back and see what’s really going on. When my sons started school, they used to bicker at drop-off every day. I would drop my kindergartener Aden off first because his classroom was on the second floor and my first grader Asher’s classroom was on the third floor. Aden likes to take his time putting his things away and he loved having a long goodbye ritual back then. But Asher hates even the possibility of being late. Every morning, Asher would get so annoyed at Aden for taking so long to say goodbye that he would bellow, “Hurry up, Aden!” We would then angrily march upstairs when we finally left Aden’s classroom. Not a great way to start the day.
After about two weeks of this daily conflict, I had an idea. I suggested that I drop Asher off first and then bring Aden to his classroom on the way back down. This simple design change solved everything. Asher got to his classroom without stress while Aden got to take his time and have a long goodbye with no one rushing him. Even Aden’s teacher noticed the difference.
Being visionary fundamentally changes the way we approach the world. We often focus on the person, and what they generally do wrong. Because my son is impatient, that focus led me to raise my own voice, “Just be patient!” But I was setting Asher up to fail by dropping Aden off first. The next time you find your child repeatedly failing or find yourself being repeatedly annoyed at them, ask yourself two questions:
Is the current situation setting me or my kids up to fail?
What can I do to set my kids up for success?
You may find that a simple routine change could turn you into a more relaxed parent or your children into more relaxed siblings.
We also need to be calm, courageous exemplars for our kids, especially in times of chaos and uncertainty. My fondest childhood memory is being held by my dad in the ocean. Being in his arms as the waves broke all around made me feel both adventurous and safe.
We infect our kids with our emotional and psychological states. Our calmness becomes their calmness, but our worries also become their anxiety and fear. We need to control our own emotions while also not letting our kid’s emotions infect us. That was my biggest mistake as a parent early on: I would meet my son’s forceful anger or stubbornness with an even greater force. But when we respond to their frustration with our own, we make the situation more explosive. Instead, we need to be a container for their strong emotions, while being the eye of the hurricane.
Finally, we need to be an inspiring mentor to our kids. Teaching leadership at Columbia Business School, I came up with a phrase that captures how motivation needs to be personalized: different people have different needs at different times.
What motivates this person today might not motivate them tomorrow and might not motivate a different person today. The same is true with kids. They are not cookie-cutters who want the same things or to be interacted with in the same way. And what they need changes over time. When they were younger, both my sons would cling to me at drop-off, demanding extra hugs. But fast forward two years and I can’t even get a high five. Similarly, Aden required my help on his homework in kindergarten, but now he bristles at my aid in first grade.
The most infuriating parents are micromanagers who don’t have any trust in their kids. Instead, parents need to find ways to empower them. Studying negotiations led me to a powerful new technique that achieves better outcomes while leaving our partners feeling good about the negotiation. What is the revolutionary new method? Simply offering a choice!
Consider a car dealer who presents a customer with two options: a car at $25k and 5-year warranty or $24k and 3-year warranty (i.e., each year of warranty is worth $500 to the dealer). Presenting a choice gets the dealer a higher price with a more satisfied customer. This technique is universally effective, helping both men and women in countries around the globe. But this same technique also works with kids. When my son Aden was younger, he got dressed more smoothly when we offered him a choice of clothes.
Here is a final tip for being a more inspiring parent. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. My research shows that feeling shame is the worst reaction when you have let your kids down. Shame leads us to either bury our heads in the sand or become a defensive monster. Either way, we can’t see the big picture, be a calm protector, or be an empathic empowerer. But when we forgive ourselves and focus on the future, we move away from the infuriating end of the continuum. We become inspiring.
Adam Galinsky, a professor at Columbia Business School, is the author of the book “INSPIRE: The Universal Path for Transforming Yourself and Others.”
