1. Steer clear of pre-drinks… or do them properly by Jessica Benjamin
The way in which pre-drinks have come to replace the humble house party is the greatest tragedy of the 2000s. No longer do we stand around on a sticky stair carpet, drinking Desperados until 5am; instead, hosts usher guests sharply out of the door at 11pm for the early-bird club tickets. Said guests fall into three distinct categories. The Stopper-By (‘Not staying long! Got pottery tomorrow’) who sips a sole Corona and leaves at 10. The Get-Your-Money’s-Worth (11 vodka tonics then an extrication from the corner sofa). And finally the loyal friend who makes it through the pre-drinks, rallies the troops and then realises that, really, the pre-drinks were the best part of the night and everyone should have just stayed at the house. For 2020, might I suggest a resolution: make it a house party or politely shove off.
2. Excuse yourself
Calendar giving you the fear? Joanna Taylor has the goods to get you out of Dodge
3. Dance into TikTok fame by Jessica Benjamin
By now, you’ll have read at least one broadsheet feature about the ‘app’ that has ‘viral sensations’ doing ‘routines’. Don’t ask, ‘What’s that all about?’ Just join in!
1. Find a lost 1990s hit or obscure Soundcloud rap. (Or both, for which see the new remix of 1996 hit ‘Spooky Scary Skeletons’.)
2. Choreograph a dance, taking inspiration from any Charleston routine or shuffling compilation video.
3. Trick followers into trying to copy, then watch as only the most gifted performers are able to do it.
4. Don’t do ‘The Git Up’. That’s over now, dad.
4. Use the six Doorgirl swerving tactics
Don’t you know who Mandi Lennard is?
1 The Stakeout! ‘A prolific artist I know wanted to see a band performing after hours at Tate Modern so badly, she hid in the toilets until after closing.’
2 The Hypothermic! ‘Wear minimal attire in winter, say your friend is inside, visibly shiver and politely wait…’
3 The Groupie! ‘Tag on to a group of guests going in. Look out for Jourdan Dunn arriving, she usually has a big entourage.’
4 The ‘My name is Anna Wintour’! ‘Assistants often come in place of their editors [nick their ticket, more like] but insist they are them instead of explaining.’
5 The Nicola! [as in Girls Aloud] ‘But I really need the toilet?’
6 The cheek! ‘Roksanda Ilinčić and I were once getting ready at her place for a big Vogue party. Her husband and his friends asked if they could come along, and we told them they were far too scruffy. Half way through the night we turned round to see their beaming faces. They had just walked in: arrived, smiled, entered. Didn’t even need the invites we’d left on the kitchen table...’
5. Go garish or go home
When it comes to cocktails, forget your class-up-the-ass Negroni: the garish, umbrella-topped drink is back this Christmas. By Clara Strunck
Maybe you can’t improve on a classic, but you sure can serve it with pudding — the Cocktail Trading Company in Shoreditch teams its Cosmo with a tiny crème brûlée. Take that, Carrie Bradshaw.
Refuse to accept you are in the middle of a London winter and transport yourself to a sun lounger in Florida circa 1987 via an enormous banana Daiquiri, courtesy of The Gibson in Islington.
Where better for a comically OTT cocktail than Annabel’s? The Pina Colada here comes just as it should: topped with copious amounts of dried pineapple, and ready to draw attention like a neon sign.
6. Wear the comfiest heels to dance all night road tested by Rachael Dove
Blocks couldn’t be more dance-floor friendly. These are roomy as hell, have a supportive ankle strap and are padded to boot.
M&S’s genius Insolia soles are ‘pressure relieving’ and make even platforms feel like slippers.
Gwyneth, Anne Hathaway et al wear these on the red carpet because they’re super comfy.
Chamandi’s patented ‘eye of the needle’ strap anchors the foot for more stability. Plus the toe is wider so they don’t pinch.
7. Successfully change outfits in the back of a cab by Clara Strunck
1. Choose your environment
Black cabs offer several crucial advantages: a partition (albeit glass) between you and the driver and more floor space in which to manoeuvre.
2. Plan ahead
Do not attempt fishnets, lace-up heels or anything that involves multiple, small buttons. You will need to turn on the light, and you will flash your knickers to all and sundry as you swing round Marble Arch.
3. Have an ally
Travel with a trusted friend who can distract the driver at inopportune moments, tell you if your lipstick is halfway across your cheek — and preferably pay the fare at the end.
8. Select a s***-singer-proof karaoke tune by Niamh O’Keeffe
’Tis the season to get merry at the office do and drunkenly block book a karaoke room. But what if you’re more Florence Foster Jenkins than Florence Welch? Let Anna Kealey, self-confessed karaoke queen and co-host of the podcast Karaoke Theory, make the right tune selection for you.
1. ‘Never Ever’ by All Saints A stone-cold classic dripping in Nineties nostalgia. It’s slow, sassy and, as Kealey points out, ‘ is mostly talking so perfect for the vocally inept’.
2. ‘Torn’ by Natalie Imbruglia Still a banger, and a total karaoke crowd-pleaser. According to Kealey, ‘a shit-singer proof technique is just to sing an ultimate singalong song to let the audience help. Bonus points for this as it’s in an easy register that suits most voices.’
3. ‘You Oughta Know’ by Alanis Morissette Angry. Cathartic. Has swear words. And, as Kealey notes, ‘has lots of wailing, so great’.
4. ‘These Boots are Made for Walkin’ by Nancy Sinatra This sultry, sexy number works for even the most incompetent crooner. And you can, notes Kealey, ‘distract from your bum notes with some stompy dance moves’.
5. ‘Uptown Girl’ by Billy Joel A tad cheesy but by the time you get to the ‘Ooooh, ooooh’ bit, the audience will be eating out of your hand. ‘It’s a karaoke slam dunk,’ confirms Kealey.
9. Stream this really-quite-awesome Honey Dijon playlist
‘Thee Trk! (Honey Dijon Re-Edit )’ — Felix Da Housecat
Dirtied up re-jig of the tech house summer banger from the long-serving Chicago legend.
‘Catch Me’ — Dirty Channels
Glorious funk vibes from the super-cool Italian duo.
‘Timbre’ — Truncate
Because a bit of techno never fails to hit the spot.
‘Festival’ — Gemini
The dance music enigma that is Spencer Kincy strikes again.
‘Music of The Earth’ — Patrice Rushen
Opening cut from the amazing lost late-Seventies album, Patrice.
‘Once In The Morning’ — Diana Ross
Taken from her 1979 album, the appropriately titled The Boss.
‘Tania (Honey Dijon Remix)’ — Harry Romero
Back to 2019... sort of. A new spin on the legendary Harry Romero track that first came out in 2001.
‘Paradise’ — Sade
One of her biggest US hits that sounds as fresh today as it must have done more than 30 years ago.
‘Synks’ — Franck Roger
French house excellence from Parisian star who first went to a nightclub at the age of six.
‘Nights Over Egypt’ — The Jones Girls
Back to 1981 with these three Detroit sisters. ‘Your eyes won’t believe/What your mind can’t conceive...’
Find Honey Dijon’s playlist here
10. Bag these items for when you turn up underdressed
Saves for when you’ve arrived at a smarter affair than advertised, by Rachael Dove
11. Get served super quickly by Hannah Flint
We’ve all been there: elbows spread wide to mark your territory, a debit card tapping ever so slightly passively aggressively on the bar and every bit of your attention fixed on the barman. And yet, 10 minutes pass and he hasn’t glanced your way. What are you doing wrong? Ryan Chetiyawardana, once crowned the best bartender in the world and founder of London’s Lyaness, reveals how to ensure you never wait too long at the bar again.
1. ‘Eye contact — and maintaining it — is everything, and far more valuable than a zinger of an opening line will ever be.’
2. ‘Don’t stand askew or chat to the person next to you. A bartender has a minute to grab somebody, which is difficult when they’re talking to the back of someone’s head.’
3. ‘If you’re at a busy bar, stand opposite the till; it’s a reset point where bartenders look to see who’s next. That’s your time to get their attention. Plus, no one can see you over beer pumps.’
4. ‘Know what you want. And don’t roll up with the world’s most complex order when it’s five deep at the bar.’
5.‘The days of clicking your fingers or waving your money around are over. Show as much respect as possible, and never expect a tip to be seen as a bribe to skip the line.’
12. Say non-boring things about 2019’s done-to-death topics by Jessica Benjamin
BREXIT
They say: ‘Brexit is an absolute shambles. Here’s my 35-point plan on what we should do next.’
You say: ‘I’ve heard it’s all just a cover-up to launch the new European tour of First Dates Hotel. Fred Sirieix and Boris go way back.’
MEGHAN VS THE PRESS
They say: ‘You might want to take a seat for my in-depth take on the Duchess of Sussex's relationship with the British press.’
You say: ‘God I loved her in Suits. I wonder what she’s been up to since she left the show?’
TRUMP
They say: ‘Have you seen Trump’s latest tweets!? Let me show you my album of screenshots!’
You say: ‘I hate how he’s usurped the MAGA hashtag. I’m finding it really difficult to share my thoughts on my fave holiday spot without it.’
CLIMATE CHANGE
They say: ‘You shouldn’t eat with that plastic fork.’
You say: ‘We will all eventually fade away to nothing, so really humans are the most eco-friendly materials on the planet.’
GLASTONBURY TICKETS
They say: ‘Did you get Glasto tix? I had the best time last year.’
You say: ‘Sadly, Emily Eavis has taken out a restraining order on me after I sent her 256 hand-written letters asking for a ticket. I remain hopeful for the years to come.’
13. Go to a party on your own with (or rather without) Clara Strunck
Flying solo can be a challenge, but it is by no means impossible — just look at Emma Watson, ‘self-partnering’ her way through party season. Something anonymous you can leave quickly (corporate event with free champagne) is textbook: turn up, tank up, take off to something better. Want to make friends? Wear something interesting as a talking point. Want to get hammered? Wear black and down the complimentary cocktails with the stealth of a ninja. And a final warning: turning up to a dinner alone may seem more doable, but placements are like Russian roulette. And who wants to bet on the unknown?
14. Go vegan for your late-night snack by Clara Strunck
15. Scent-splain like a pro
Talk your scent’s talk, with help from Roja Dove
‘The most bewitching notes in feminine perfumery are white florals, which contain a molecule that humans produce in their nether regions. Sensual and creamy, they evoke the sensation of warm skin.’
‘There is little more alluring than leather. Smooth and suave it resonates with a self-assured masculinity and sits close on the skin, driving a compulsion to inhale.’
‘Sandalwood is one of the world’s best-loved perfume ingredients offering warmth, depth and endurance to fragrances — perfect to see anyone through the night.’
16. Abide by the nine night tube commandments as decreed by Joanna Taylor
Thou shalt stay behind the double yellow line.
Thou shalt wake strangers up, even if they dribble.
Thou shalt depart the carriage if thou feel queasy.
Thou shalt take pictures of thy comrades asleep with thine pie hole open.
Thou shalt not snog for extended durations.
Thou shalt not touch the hand rail and thy face in the same sitting.
Thou shalt not consume nutriment that doth create a stupendous stench.
Thou shalt sing in merriment if thy carriage commands it.
Thou shalt carry a plastic bag, just in case.
17. Stay at home (and be happy about staying at home) by Jessica Benjamin
Ah, Fomo. It’s the single biggest motivator of why people ever go to social events; the fear that the one time they don’t go, it will be the best night of everyone’s lives. But it doesn’t have to be that way; you can actually enjoy the experience of missing out. The trick is to start by making your home so impossibly comfortable, you’ll never want to leave it. Tips include bringing your duvet to the sofa, an overzealous central heating system and slipper socks (don’t knock until you’ve tried). A full-fat takeaway and a glass of wine never go amiss either. To address the root cause of Fomo, however, is to see through the post-night-out Instagram lies that your friends will create and you will then consume with bitterness. Because the thing is, 90 per cent of the time, a night out is just not as good as it seems. Unfortunately, it’s the other 10 per cent you need to worry about.
18. Take an Uberpool by Hamish MacBain
To severely paraphrase the late, quite great Elmer G Leterman: ‘There is only one thing more fun than an Uberpool, and that is an Uberpool during party season.’ Uberpools are astonishingly cheap, obviously. More importantly they also, on your way home, offer the chance to not skim more newspaper articles about whichever party leader’s six trillion pound pledge to MAGA (‘Maybe Appease Greta And co’) and talk to some human beings. It’s basically like those times when you end up chatting to someone you will never, ever, ever see again in departures at an airport and you feel like you’re in a movie, a bit. That said, there are insufferables out there, so make like a Texan mom at a Walmart counter and yell ‘shotgun, please’ just to be safe. And remember: anyone who requests any station other than Magic FM in a taxi is likely a serial killer.
19. Follow this really, honestly ultimate hangover cure by Hamish MacBain
Forget everything you’ve been told about hangover prevention, unless what you’ve been told is: ‘Take lots of Dioralyte.’ There is no need for paracetamol, ibuprofen or even bacon when you have multiple six-sachet sets of these in your desk drawer. Two of these before you go to bed, two a few hours after you wake up: game no-longer-over. Read instructions carefully. This entry has not been paid for by Dioralyte, but if they want to send some to our office, that’s fine
