Parenthood can be very challenging. And even though some moms and dads say there’s nothing more rewarding, others might not feel the same way about it.
There are people who know the role of a parent is not for them; they often choose to be child-free. Others might only come to such a realization after starting a family, which can lead to them regretting having kids. A 2021 survey revealed that as much as 29% of Americans say they want to have fewer children or don’t want to have them at all.
For those who regret becoming parents, admitting that to themselves or others might not be an easy thing to do. But some of them have opened up about it on the ‘Regretful Parents’ subreddit—a safe space for people who think they should not have had children.
A Brooklyn-based actor, writer, and podcaster, Rachel Diamond, discussed the subreddit in one of her TikTok videos. She was replying to a comment someone made, saying that they haven’t met a single person who regrets becoming a parent. Scroll down to find her video and some confessions from parents who do.
I was an 18 year old college student living on my own, having just escaped my abusive family. I fell pregnant and while I was trying to get information on having an abortion, members of a pro-life group sent me tons of messages saying they'd support me financially and emotionally if I went through with my pregnancy, saying they just wanted to be sure I had options. I was extremely depressed and vulnerable and I was living in this haze, and they made me believe having a baby would fix everything. That my problem was that I hadn't fulfilled my life's purpose of becoming a mother, which reinforced a lot of my family's indoctrination I hadn't shaken yet. They dropped their support as soon as I could no longer legally get an abortion, and I had to drop out of college to support myself and my twins. We had rough patches where I thought we'd end up homeless, but I still clung to the hope it would be worth it. My life would be better because I was a mother.
My twins are 6 now. I'm no longer struggling to put food on the table or pay rent, but they didn't fix anything. I think I snapped out of it when they were 2 years old and realized I ruined my life by having them. The horrible thing is I resent them and I feel so emotionally disconnected from them. Sometimes I feel like I'm just their babysitter and I'm waiting for their mom to come pick them up. The idea of 12 more years of this makes me sick.
I never wanted to have kids. It just wasn’t something I felt was meant for me. I have a myriad of health and mental health issues and they just take up so much of my time and energy I never thought I could commit to having a child.
I got pregnant at 21 with my boyfriend at the time. He was excited and I forced myself to feel the same, but the truth is I was completely disconnected my entire pregnancy. Because of my health issues I spent my pregnancy sickly and in pain. I wanted nothing more then for it to just end and I could have my body and my life back.
After my daughter was born she ended up being a “high needs” baby. She was colicky and screamed and cried and slept 30 minutes at a time for the first 6 months of her life. I couldn’t take it. I desperately wanted to give her up but her father convinced me it’ll get better and I was her mother and she only needed me.
As the years went by I never felt truly connected to her. I love her and I care for her but that unconditional maternal love just has never struck me or been there.
Today she’s 4 years old. On the autism spectrum and really hard to deal with. Last year I started distancing myself and cutting my time with her.
She’s thriving and a very happy kid, with or without me. I see her once or twice a week and I’m happy with it. I provide child support to her father and I do what I need to do to provide for her financially but emotionally I just can’t do it.
I know this makes me a monster in most peoples eyes and I’ve accepted this judgement from society.
She has family and a father that take great care of her but unfortunately I will never be that mother for her.
I guess I’m just here to say that it’s ok to feel this way. And I’m open to questions or thoughts on my situation.
The actual reason I had a kid was just pressure from society. I mean, this is what people are supposed to do you know? I’ve always made so much effort ticking all the boxes what people are “supposed to do”. I’m 30 years old and my biological clock is ticking. All my friends have kids so I thought to myself that it was now or never. Now I have this beautiful, healthy, lovely 2 year old whom I love more than words - make no mistake, I’m a good mom. But what I want is sleeping in, going to the gym whenever I want, travel, doing spontaneous things etc. That was my life before my daughter was born. I don’t feel this “rewarding” feeling everyone are talking about. I feel bitter and unfulfilled.
I had surgery so my son has been with his dad (who has never been this helpful before) and my parents. I'm 3 days into not having had to deal with him and it's been the best days of my life in 8 years. I feel so bad... But so good. I won't get him back until Sunday and I wish this could last forever.
He's severely autistic and screams all day and gets into things and hurts himself and me.
I'd have surgery once a month if it would help me have a whole week without him.
Some of my younger coworkers were talking about why they don't want kids, and I just felt this sinking feeling inside me. I wish I had been more true to myself and continued with my knowledge that I never wanted kids, but I felt maternal feelings that were actually just a part of loving my now husband. A baby wasn't the answer to my body's question, but we thought it was. I thought this is what I wanted at that point and then I did it and I hate it. I love my daughter (she is 3) but if I had the opportunity to go back in time I would never have gotten pregnant. I learned the hard way that "I want to have a baby with this person" is a very different thing from "I want to be a parent".
So I envy my coworkers who are currently in that position of knowing they don't want kids and wanting to sleep in and hang out with friends and do whatever they want without either dragging a kid along or trying to find childcare. That was me and then I made a life altering decision I now have to live with.
My daughter is 2. Her pregnancy wasn’t very planned, the pregnancy was difficult, the birth was hell, and the postpartum was a living nightmare coping with a permanent injury from the birth. I had a surgery 1 year after it and finally started to feel better about 6 months ago.
Every single night when work is over, or I have to leave an appt to come home, I just don’t want to. I just sit in my car alone honestly for several minutes. It feels like I can’t move my entire body, it feels like climbing Mount Everest to start the car and actually drive it home. I’ve never felt dread like this in my life. Or I sit in the driveway after I’ve arrived and just feel like I physically can’t pull myself inside. I just can’t do it.
It’s not that I don’t want to see my husband or daughter. It’s the mountain of responsibilities that fill me with dread. The incessant needs. I can’t do it anymore. Yesterday I just sat in my car for 30 minutes.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t want this life, I don’t want it. It’s been a living nightmare. None of it is rewarding. Maybe im just an antisocial psychopath. What kind of monster doesn’t find having a child rewarding?
(Yes I’ve been in therapy for 8 years and I’m on medication for anxiety/depr. Plz don’t tell me to look into those things. I care deeply about my health and have had to fight/scream for medical care the last 3 years and I’ve exhausted every Avenue.)
I'm a regretful SAHM to a 3yo. Not a "I love my child but I hate being a mom" parent either, I feel responsibility and obligation towards my kid, but I don't love them. I try my best to hide it cos I know they deserve better, I tell them I love them, I'm affectionate, etc. But I'm counting down the days til they start school and I finally get a break. (Can't afford daycare, no babysitters)
I've seen people comment on tiktoks and articles about this subreddit with stuff like "well don't have a kid if you don't actually want them!" Or "some people can't have kids so you should be grateful!" Well newsflash to those holier than thou observers: you don't know you're going to be a regretful parent til you become a parent, and then there's no going back.
This kid was planned, wanted, years in the making. Every period was a crushing disappointment. We were looking into fertility treatment when we finally conceived, but miscarried that pregnancy at 8 weeks. I tried to see the silver lining of "well at least now we know we can get pregnant!" But I was devastated at the time. Now I know nature was trying to save me from this hell. A few months after the MC, we got pregnant again and this one stuck. I was cautious after the MC, but optimistic. I sang and talked to my bump, looked forward to meeting my baby.
Some people say their whole universe shifts when they meet their baby, and they fall instantly in love. But plenty of articles try to reassure you that that doesn't happen to everyone, so don't worry too much if you're not immediately smitten, it'll come in time, etc.
None of them said I would look at my baby for the first time and my first thought would be "I've made a huge mistake". And that was before the sleep deprivation began.
It's harder than I ever thought it could possibly be. There are no breaks, because even on the very rare occasion that I do get to go out alone, I know I have to come home so I'm never truly relaxing. Never truly able to get back to a baseline level of happiness. I feel like I'd need at least two weeks away to even begin to feel like a human being again.
I could list all the reasons why, but most people in this sub already know. The never ending monotony, the lack of time, money, agency, being touched out and over stimulated constantly, etc.
Recently some friends told me they were thinking about having a kid and without even thinking about it, I blurted out "oh god, why?!" I genuinely cannot recall a single reason I wanted a child, though I know I had some at the time. Other friends have posted pregnancy or birth announcements on social media, and I cannot bring myself to lie and say congratulations. There's nothing to congratulate, the poor idiots are about to ruin their lives, and they're doing it by choice, just like I did.
And I know I can't warn them, because it's not an acceptable thing to say, and they would never believe me. I also try and remind myself that other people obviously do not experience parenthood the same way as me, cos otherwise they'd all stop at one kid like I've done, but I honestly don't know what it is they're getting from this experience that I'm not. It's not rewarding or fulfilling or makes life worth living or any of the other trite clichés people trot out about having children. It's just hell.
If you only have one kid and you are regretful or straight up not having a good time, DONT HAVE ANOTHER. Not even when they tell you that it will be easier because they can play together. Not even when your partner begs you. Not even when you feel like your kid needs a sibling. Just don’t do it. I have seen SO MANY PEOPLE that have more kids because they feel like they are supposed to. Because they feel like if they don’t they will irreparably damage their kid.
Your child will be fine. Stay with one. It is a thousand times easier.
Signed,
An only child who turned out just fine.
Never getting enough sleep? Constant whining and crying? Going to battle at every meal? Constant anxiety? Curing a cold while having a cold? Not a single moment to yourself? Always needing to do laundry? Always needing to do dishes? Strained relationship with partner? Judgement from parents? Surrendering your tidy home? Losing your identity? Falling behind at work? Worrying about expenses?
Why do we do this?
I love my child now he is here but I never wanted a child. My husband did. I put it off and then he ended up moving over to my side of the fence. In the end we agreed not to renew my contraception.
I was expecting it to be hard but not this hard. It’s horrendous. I’m done.
In my close circles of acquaintances, I have several women who were all ambivalent about having children or staying CF but in all of the cases it was overwhelmingly the men who convinced them to have kids. I think it might be because women come into contact with household and child rearing duties sooner and more frequently than men which is why men have this strange Disney-like notion about having children.
Was it similar for some of you or just the opposite?
I will literally financially support my child to live on their own right when they're legally allowed to do so. Then I can finally have some peace and quiet. Hopefully by then I'm able completely support myself financially, but with the high cost of living in my city I will likely be dependent on my parents, a spouse or roommates for decades to come.
That is all.
Sign up to read this article
Read news from 100’s of titles, curated specifically for you.
