Twelve Reasons to be Cheerful that My True Love Brings to Me...
1 A partridge in a pear tree. Who needs either when there’s a turkey in the oven and Mrs R in the kitchen in her best pinny, muttering oaths over a hot stove? Domestic cabaret of the year.
2 Two turtle doves. Not this year. The birds are off the menu because of avian flu, but you can get “turtly” hammered, as they say in Co Durham, this weekend. Sitting by your pigeon loft.
3 Three French hens. Brexit rules banned the import of les poules, but you can still get a rescue hen from the British Hens Welfare
Trust, for a fiver. They make excellent pets.
4 Four calling birds were originally “colly birds” and referred to singing blackbirds. You can enjoy the traditional version in your garden most mornings.
5 Five rings is the symbol of the Olympics, and gold is the ambition of Team GB athletes now in training for the 2024 Games in Paris.
They won 22 in Tokyo 2020, chiefly in the “sitting down sports” of cycling and horseriding, and hope to do even better in the French capital.
Alternatively, Mrs R might find her gold engagement ring down the back of the settee, though I think she lost it in the Midland Hotel, Normanton.
6 Six geese a laying. They’re not actually laying eggs. The honking noise you can hear is from the public bar because this is the last Builders’ Friday of 2022. If you don’t believe me, go and have a gander. Boom, boom!
7 Seven swans a swimming. These magnificent creatures are reserved for the King, who has special Swan Uppers to count the birds every year to make sure nobody eats one. But cheer up! According to singer Danny Kaye, the little white duck is actually swan, available at your local Chinese takeaway.
8 Eight maids a milking. This is a misunderstanding. It has nothing to do with cows or milk. It is a reference to barmaids, serving what the late Rev Ian Paisley used to call “the devil’s buttermilk” – alcohol in all its forms.
So these are barmaids serving festive cheer, which is something to be cheerful about. And the first pint in the Old White Bear on Christmas Day is free!
9 Nine ladies dancing. For this treat, just switch on the telly for the festive bumper edition of Strictly!
10 Ten lords a leaping – a special appearance, for this year only. They’re for the high jump when Sir Keir Starmer ’s Labour government abolishes the House of Lords. Good riddance!
11 Eleven pipers piping. Of little use, unless you live in Scotland. But take heart, in England they’re not bagpipers but Polish plumbers who can fix your broken gas boiler when it goes kaput on Xmas morn.
12 Twelve drummers drumming? They’re beating a tattoo to celebrate taking down the trimmings that have been gathering dust. Rejoice! It’s all over for another year!
