Love on a budget. No matter that a Valentine’s hamper is beyond you – a slice of Mother’s Pride will express your affections with equal potency when you bear in the breakfast tray. Press the I Love You stamp on to the bread, stick the bread into the toaster and your sentiment will be highlighted in uncooked white. The Good Morning alternative could be used to butter up a potential mother-in law.
£4.95 prezzybox.com; 0844 2495 007 Photograph: Guardian
Your message (which you type on the order form) gets transposed on to 12 bondingly schmaltzy photographs, from fireworks exploding over a silver sea to an alpine slope in winter – thereby ensuring that your affections last the year. The calendar runs for 12 months from the month you specify, beginning with those fireworks.
£12.95 prezzybox.com; 0844 2495 007 Photograph: Guardian
The Tiffany name will persuade her of your affections before she’s even opened the box. And then, inside, she will discover the key to your heart which she can wear against her own (be aware: your substantial outlay does not include a chain from which to hang the 18ct gold pendant). If your vital organ beats more generously, you could go for a smaller, diamond- studded version for nearly three times the price.
£455 uk.tiffany.com; 00 800 2000 1122 Photograph: Guardian
The old ad emphasised the pain of surrendering your last Rolo. This little godsend enables you to keep your chocolate caramels to yourself while pacifying your partner with an inedible sweetener. It’s an exact replica of the cherished sweetie but cast in solid silver and comes cushioned on black fabric in a ribboned red box. This, in case the recipient misses the point, bears the moving message My Last Rolo. The fact that you have a sweatily softening tube in a back pocket can remain your secret.
£32.90 findmeagift.com; 01926 818 800 Photograph: Guardian
For best results, find a sandy beach, half bury the box beyond the surf and steer your Heart’s Desire nonchalantly towards it. Landlocked lovers will have to sacrifice the mystery and place it with the All Bran on the breakfast tray. Within the miniature treasure chest is the bottle and within the bottle is your declaration (sand and sea shells are already included). You type up your sentiments on the online scroll when you place your order.
£19.95 gettingpersonal.co.uk; 0845 217 6382 Photograph: Guardian
This box of paperwork should ensure hours of nocturnal intimacy on the back patio as you peer at the heavens. It works like this: most stars are identified solely by a catalogue number, but you, for a fee, can have one named after your Valentine and officially registered on the Intergalactic Star Database. The only tangible evidence is a steel box containing a certificate, a chart positioning your star, a night sky guide, an astronomical starter pack and, for reasons best not investigated here, a baby’s bib.
£19.95 gettingpersonal.co.uk; 0845 217 6382 Photograph: Guardian
Champagne is a weary cliche; the morning cuppa can salute the day far more romantically. It helps if you are well acquainted with your Valentine and able to give the waiting master tea taster the lowdown on his or her pleasures and prejudices, hobbies and humours – even a brief sketch of their preferred style of kitchen. The tea taster will then blend a tea to reflect the character and tastes of your darling and package it up in a tin bearing their name and a description of their customised brew.
£29.95 gettingpersonal.co.uk; 0845 217 6382 Photograph: Guardian
A variety of liquids should ensure bliss on the day. First there’s the Molton Brown bath and shower gel, which you add to a well-filled tub. Then the two bottles of rose champagne to be decanted into convenient tooth mugs. The Seda France candle should be lighted and placed illuminatingly near the Heyland & Whittle soap to prevent confusion with the three (why three?) heart-shaped chocolates at the ready on the rim. At which point you and your Chosen Other step into the foam and consume.
£65 fortnumandmason.com; 020-7734 8040
Photograph: Guardian
Alliance is the name of these sculptural twists designed by Allan Scharff for George Jensen. Each of the four silver bands begin its journey solo, you see, then dips in the middle to meld briefly with each other and their bonding creates a bridge. Just like your love. It’s made of sterling silver and is a handsome embellishment to any wrist, morning or evening, with or without the romance. £350 johnlewis.com; 08456 049049 Photograph: Guardian
Yes, with a few score thousands you could gift wrap this yellow devil for a grateful loved one. Or, while you muster your resources, give him or her a taste for the fast life with four laps round a race track in a Lamborghini Gallardo – Silverstone is one of the options. The fee buys them an hour with an instructor who shows them how it’s done, then allows them briefly into the driver’s seat. A wallet and a certificate will be mementos of the adventure.
£99 virginexperiencedays.co.uk; 0844 5040844 Photograph: Guardian
