Are video games better than sex? That’s the sort of ludicrous question that is only posed by someone who has never had sex, or is searching for an attention-grabbing way to open an article about a cleaning simulator. However, I will say this: last week I had the opportunity to have it off but I played PowerWash Simulator instead, and honestly I’m not sure I had a worse time.
Maybe it’s to do with age. Like every middle-aged female gamer I know, I love Lara Croft. Back in my younger days I lost entire evenings, weekends, and the best part of an English literature degree to Tomb Raider. But now I’m 45 and, for the most part, I have swapped late-night gaming sessions for going to bed after I’ve read the kids stories. I’ll still be awake at 2am, but only because I’ve woken up in a cold sweat trying to remember where I put my Nectar card.
Along the way, I’ve discovered the life-changing magic of tidying. I’ve read Marie Kondo’s book of the same name three times, and been on the radio talking about how it has, indeed, changed my life. Not that my home is clutter-free and spotless. As Kondo herself admits, it’s impossible to achieve domestic perfection when you have kids. In my house there is Lego on every surface, Weetabix behind every radiator and a stain on the stairs I just keep telling myself is chocolate.
But I have discovered the pleasure in creating order out of chaos. Tidying up makes me feel calm and in control, even if all I’m doing is sweeping the Lego into a box I can then hide under the sofa. I like playing games that are about tidying, too, whether that means matching up brightly coloured gems in Bejeweled or planting pumpkins in neat rows in Animal Crossing. Forget yoga – my idea of relaxation is re-alphabetising my spice rack, then earning enough coins to increase the bin capacity in Airplane Chefs.
So it feels as though PowerWash Simulator was made for me. You play as a power-washing entrepreneur, tasked with removing the dirt from buildings and objects. As you earn cash for completing jobs you can buy upgrades, such as new nozzles for your power washer, different types of cleaning liquid and fancier rubber gloves.
But the real reward is the satisfaction that comes from hosing every last speck of dirt into oblivion. It’s enhanced by the delightful PING sound you hear each time you finish a section. If neurons made a sound when they released dopamine, this would be it.
In the new Tomb Raider expansion, your mission is to clean Lara Croft’s mansion. It’s instantly recognisable to fans of the series, having appeared regularly in the games since 1996. There is no sign of the woman herself – according her butler, Winston, she has gone to Egypt to return some stolen artefacts. (And obviously it’s great that Lara is finally doing the right thing, but it does make that entire reading week I spent trying to avoid the swinging blades in Menkaure’s pyramid feel like a bit of a waste.)
There are no T rexes to fight, no puzzles to solve, no rusty keys to find. But the game feels close in spirit to the original Tomb Raider titles – closer, even, than the 2013 reboot trilogy, which introduced tedious crafting, endless collecting and vast amounts of murder, all of which are mercifully absent here. Instead, this expansion captures the atmosphere of the quieter moments in Lara’s earlier adventures. It’s just you, exploring, surveying the landscape, and sometimes falling off a ledge.
You’re alone with the silence. Unlike almost every other video game of modern times, PowerWash Simulator doesn’t bombard you with banging techno beats or ominous cellos. There is no soundtrack at all, apart from the PINGs, the occasional clank of metal as you move the stepladder, and the soothing white noise of rushing water. If I close my eyes I am back in 1996, standing by the waterfall in the Lost Valley, trying to find the final cog to solve the puzzle, worrying that I should really be writing an essay about Middlemarch. It’s magical.
Which is perhaps why I didn’t notice the look in my husband’s eye when he came into the lounge last week, muttering something about popping upstairs for a bit.
“Sorry, what?” I said. “I just need to finish this quoin, then there are a couple of corbels on the east wing that need going over.” He backed quietly out of the room and I missed the window (although I’m pleased to report the parabolic arch above above the main entrance was absolutely spotless).
I am completely obsessed. Last Friday I ended up streaming PowerWash Simulator on Twitch until 2am. I am enjoying it so much that today, 28 February, I will attempt to set the Guinness World Record for the longest PowerWash Simulator marathon, raising money for the Borne charity by playing for 24 hours straight.
It’s going to be a challenge; I can’t even remember the last time I managed to stay awake for 24 hours. But a whole day and night cleaning Lara Croft’s house? Better than sex.
You can watch Ellie’s virtual power-washing world record attempt on Twitch
