“Anu, you are so stubborn. Unless you mend your ways, this is not going to work,” remarked my mentor in his typical serious fashion.
“No, I am not,” I retorted, my ego hurt, and eager to prove him wrong.
Maybe my mentor had a point. Numerous instances from my past flashed before my eyes. Amma telling me, “Girls do not speak so loudly.” Or, my best friend’s wise words, “You need to get over him, he does you no good.” Even my aunt’s words, “Don’t sit like that. It is not woman-like.” Almost every time, I have made it a point to follow my own sweet will.
After all, aren’t we all stubborn in our unique and silly ways? How many times have we caught ourselves scrolling through social media endlessly despite knowing that it affects out mental well-being. Haven’t we all given in to our craving for burgers despite knowing their ill effects on our health? How about people holding on to toxic relationships even after realising the subsequent pain?
Stubbornness in its numerous manifestations seems like a common thread across our lives. While generally, stubbornness is looked upon with disdain, is it a completely useless quality?
The Oxford dictionary defines ‘stubborn’ as someone determined not to change one’s mind. It denotes the defiant streak in one’s persona. A child may be labelled stubborn if he refuses to listen to his teachers or parents.
But, as an attitude, stubbornness has deeper meaning. It can stand for holding on steadfast to one’s values. For instance, Nelson Mandela refused to let go of his ideal of equality despite authoritarian opposition in South Africa’s apartheid regime. Being stubborn also means refusing to quit. Muhammad Ali’s stubborn refusal to accept defeat in the ring made him legendary. From this perspective, stubbornness does not seem all that bad.
Stubbornness becomes a problem when it deters our personal growth and makes us self-centered. One must know the why, when and how of using it. Being stubborn must not mean being stupid. It is also not an excuse to shut out any well-meaning criticism. Perhaps, our stubbornness needs some taming. It must be made reasonable and rational. The big question is, how can that be done?
The first step is understanding the origin of one’s stubbornness. Psychologists attribute stubbornness to underlying emotions. That means, our persistent behaviours could have deeper roots. For instance, alcoholism as a habit could be related to a fear of facing reality. The stubborn behaviour of endless surfing of the Internet might be due to anxiety. Once we recognise and accept the real reason why we are so rigid sometimes, handling stubbornness becomes easy.
Thereafter, one can work on the edges of such feeling. For instance, we can listen to people we trust, whom we know mean well. The psychological method of “reverse brainstorming” might also work. That means tackling defiance with an equally powerful opposite, but positive idea. The emperor Ashoka aspired to expand his empire through conquests. But this determined goal changed after the Kalinga War as he came across values of compassion and love in Buddhism.
Perhaps, it is not right to blindly label stubbornness as an undesirable trait. Our stubbornness (at least, some of it!) deserves to be nurtured. It gives us the strength to stand up and fight for what we believe in. It gives us the courage to not be swayed by the crowd. It makes us independent, critical thinkers. Let us embrace our stubbornness, with a tinge of openness, logic and introspection!
In conclusion, words from Frank Sinatra’s My Way seems spot on:
“For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things, he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
Yes, it was my way”
anakhakvijay@gmail.com
